Freedom

This week, I just started reading The Zahir by Paulo Coelho, and I love his writing. As a reader, I appreciate his work because I can tell that he hasn't just put thought into what he is about to write, but he has struggled through the difficult mysteries and questions of life. Based on his books, I can tell that Coelho has spent many nights philosophizing life.

In The Zahir, Coelho brings up the question of freedom and what freedom means. The narrator of the novel has just been released from jail and asks "But what is freedom? I've spent a large part of my life enslaved to one thing or another, so I should know the meaning of the word." He is suggesting that those of us who have been enslaved, should understand what freedom truly is, yet he assumes that most of us are too busy or preoccupied with being busy to really understand freedom.

He continues, "While I was fighting (for freedom), I heard other people speaking in the name of freedom, and the more they defended this unique right, the more enslaved they seemed to be to their parent's wishes, to a marriage in which they had promised to stay with the other person "for the rest of their lives," to the bathroom scales, to their diet, to half-finished projects, to lovers to whom they were incapable of saying "no" or "it's over," to weekend when they were obliged to have lunch with people they didn't even like. Slaves to luxury, to the appearance of luxury, Slaves to a life they had not chose, but which they had decided to live because someone had managed to convince them that it was all for the best."

I believe I fit into the category of people that Coehlo has just described. In a very real sense, I am enslaved to the system in which I was born. I am enslaved to the rules and laws of the country and state in which I live. I am enslaved to a culture of 9-5 jobs because that's just what people do. 

I am enslaved to outdated ideology on how life should be lived, that I should own a nice car, a new house, and have an ever changing wardrobe to somehow prove my self-worth. 

I am enslaved to a job that I don't love. I do it for money and to live because that is what the world tells me needs to be done. I am enslaved to the status quo. 

Coelho then seems to make a logical connection that happiness and freedom are invariably connected. In the book, the narrators wife (who is a reporter) makes an observation about humanity that hits on the harsh realities of how so many people live their lives. 

She states, "I have everything, but I'm not happy. And I'm not the only one either; over the years, I've met and interviewed all kind of people: the rich, the poor, the powerful, and those who just make do. I've seen the same infinite bitterness in everyone's eyes, a sadness which people weren't always prepared to acknowledge, but which regardless of what they were telling me, was nevertheless there."

People equate wealth and possession with happiness, yet when people finally get the things that they always wanted, they still aren't happy. 

She continues, "Some people appear to be happy, but they simply don't give the matter much thought. Others make plans...as long as they're busy dong that, they're like bulls looking for the bull fighter: they react instinctively, they blunder on, with no idea where the target is. They get their car...and they think that's the meaning of life, and they never question it. Yet, their eyes betray the sadness that even they don't know they carry in their soul."

"I don't know if everyone is unhappy. I know they're all busy."

She carries on for a good few paragraphs explaining the difference between business and happiness, and comes to this conclusion:

"When I retire, then I'll have time to do what I always wanted to do: travel."

She then questions the interviewee by asking them that they said they were happy now. 

This part made me question my own lifestyle choices. Am I happy now, or am I waiting for tomorrow to chase my dreams. Will I choose to be free to follow my passions and commit myself to them? Or will I follow a secure path that everybody tells me is the right thing to do because that is how it has always been done. 

But that's the real kicker. Has it always been that way, or has it just been that way for the last 2,000 years? Has humanity always had these rules, these traditions, these cultures? And if they did not always exist, then there is no reason why they need to exist tomorrow. 

In the book, the wife of the narrator wants to become a war correspondent because she wants her question about happiness answered. And her reasoning behind it is this:

"I think that in time of war, men live life at the limit; after all they could die the next day. Anyone living like that must act differently."

I agree with this and it makes me wonder about my own life. If I was living in a war zone, what would I do differently in my life. What would I add to my life and what would I cut out? If I knew there was a chance I could die tomorrow, what would I want my life to look like?

I think that is a difficult question to answer without understanding the urgency that comes from the reality of the situation. But if I could ponder and look inside my soul for a moment, I would put together a list like this:

Things I would add: 

• More time with family. I would cook, converse, hang out, and work with my family. Time with family is some of the happiest moments of my life.
  
• Adventure. There are a lot of things I want to see in this world, and in my state. I would spend time getting to know them, enjoying them, and learning to love them. Not so that I could say "I've been here, checked that off my list," but so that I could say "I understand the beauty that life has to offer."
  
  On a different tangent, the idea of bucket lists for the sake of bucket lists is very empty and unfulfilling to me. Instead, meaning, goal, and purpose need to be behind every object on the
  list.
  
•  Writing. I love to write my thoughts out - as I am doing now. But haven't done this in years. Just because I am married and have found the love of my life doesn't mean I have to stop with the hobbies and talents I had before we were married.
  
• Reading. I love learning from great writers. Their wisdom is something that I can incorporate in my own life.
  
• Nature. I love this world. From the mountains and deserts to the oceans and plains, I love the natural beauty of the world. I love animals of all shapes and sizes. I love flowers, plants, trees, and living things.
  
• Being open. When I feel like I am misunderstood or not understood, I tend to close of and keep thoughts to myself. I have a hard time at sharing information with people who don't see eye to eye with me. I want to open up and share my experiences and my viewpoints because that is who I truly am. I don't want to hide behind a bushel.

Things I would remove:

• Working after hours. Life is too short to waste it working at a job that provides no sense of purpose or meaning to my life.
  
• Cell phones. I would eliminate them completely, because they serve a purpose, but I would certainly let go of the amount of time I spent instagramming, facebooking, and redditing.
  
• The Utah Jazz. Again, I wouldn't eliminate it completely, but I would limit the amount of time I spent addicted to the team.
  
• Complaining. This is something I don't want to spend my life doing. I don't want to spend my life complaining away the days when there is so much to do in life.
  
• Fear. Another trait that I need to remove is the fear that I have of life. I am scared of other people, I am scared of "doing something wrong", I am scared of hurting others, I am scared of standing up for myself, I am scared of disagreeing with my wife. Being scared doesn't get you places.
  

It makes you realize that the idea of a comfortable, "long" life can hurt your in ways that you might not imagine. When we keep believing that we will always have tomorrow to chase our dreams, we get stuck with a bunch of unmemorable yesterdays. Don't put off for tomorrow what can be done today. 

Back to the idea of freedom. Coehlo makes an interesting argument on what freedom actually is:

Freedom is not the absence of commitments, but the ability to choose - and commit myself to - what is best for me.

I appreciate this quote because I think people interpret freedom as running away from responsibility and commitment. It means leaving behind everything and living a commitment free life. And I like that Coelho argues that freedom is commitment to something we choose - instead of having somebody else choose for us.

I was also struck by this quote early on in the book:

The inspector says I'm free. I'm free now and I was free in prison, too because freedom continues to be the thing I prize most in the world. Of course, this has led me to drink wines I did not like, to do things I should not have done and which I will not do again; it has left scars on my body and on my soul, it has meant hurting certain people, although I have since asked their forgiveness, when I realized that I could do absolutely anything except force another person to follow me in my madness, in my lust for life. I don't regret the painful times; I bear my scars as if they were medals. I know that freedom has a high price, as high as that of slavery; the only difference is that you pay with pleasure and a smile, even when that smile is dimmed by tears.

The last line of this quote is especially powerful to me. Coelho juxtaposes the lifestyle of people who are enslaved to those who are free - and suggests that many of the people who claim they are free are in reality slaves to their work, to luxury, 

How It All Began

I have decided to return to my blog one last time to say farewell to The Wolfgang Story. I have spent many hours writing posts and expressing my thoughts and feelings on life and everything it entails. It has been over two years since my last post, yet some of life's greatest adventures have unfolded in that space between then and now. I wish I could share them all with you, but I will share the one that means the most to me.

This blog has been unfiltered and candid in its content, getting to the core of my heart and mind in a way that few have heard or seen me express in person. It has been an open journal, and a view into my life. This blog has been filled with many trials and frustrations in my life, and so I choose to end it with this; a happy story that hopefully brings resolution to my blog. 

I have contemplated writing a blog post for quite some time, but feel that now is the opportunity for me to share my thoughts, feelings and the story of how I met Jenoa. 

Wow. Where do I begin? The story starts in September 2013, my Junior year at the University of Utah. During this time, I had decided to switch from an economics degree to a marketing degree, and was taking all business prerequisite so that I could get into the school of business the next semester. One of the classes that I ended up taking was Geography of China, a class I wasn't particularly thrilled about, but that I had to take because the other elective I chose was filled. Boy, oh boy am I glad I couldn't get into the other class now! As usual, the first few days of class, I started looking around the room seeing who all was in the class, if I knew anybody, if there were any cute girls around, and I instantly noticed her. She was sitting on the right side of the class, wearing this grey/silver dress with long brown hair. She looked so pretty. No girls on campus dressed like this. And I mean none. She had class written all over her, and I could not stop looking over at her during class. I don't remember a single thing that was mentioned in class, but I do remember the way she looked and how she grabbed my attention. 

Now, I am not a person to make my way over and sit by a cute girl, mostly because I didn't ever think anything would come of it. But when it came to Geography of China, I remembered where this girl sat and made sure next class to make my way over and sit by her. This was new and exciting, and my heart was pounding. I hoped I was sitting in the right spot and that she would sit where she did last time. As class was about to start, she walked in, went over to the area I was sitting in, and sat down near me, at the end of the row. I was thrilled! Plan complete! Kind of. I hadn't yet talked to her, and couldn't figure out how to start a conversation with her. I couldn't just talk to her during class because we had to listen to lecture. So I hoped that something would happen in class where I could make a comment to her about how boring class was, or now interesting a subject was, or something, but nothing ever happened that could give me an excuse to talk to her. That is, until the end of class, when our professor announced that we had a group project coming up soon and that we needed to start finding groups. This was perfect. Class had just ended, and I made sure to follow her out of the class room. I casually caught up to her, introduced myself, and said that we should be in a group for the project. She agreed, and told me her name; Jenoa. I didn't understand her the first few times she said it, and don't think I really know her name until we met again in class and could find a way to see her name again. 

So, we started working on our project together, and made small talk here and there after class. I would always notice that she doodled on her note page, and didn't really take any notes. I figured it meant she was smart and didn't have to take notes to get good grades. 

During this time, I ran into a few of my friends on campus, and they were going to the Hinckley Institute of Politics to check out possible internships and they invited me to come along. I wasn't going to go, but then they mentioned there would be free pizza there, so I could get a free lunch. I decided to go. When I got there, I looked around and picked up brochures about going on an international internship and thought that would be pretty cool to do. I didn't think much of it, until as we were leaving, my friends asked me if I was going to do it. I wasn't sure. I would look into it, but didn't have any real plans to do it. However, when I got home, I started looking at internships all throughout Europe that involved some sort of business aspect, but they were near impossible to find. They said one would be opening up in Paris soon, but that it wouldn't start until the summer, which wasn't going to help me. So then I decided to look into the D.C. internships. I had never been out east, and that could be fun as well. I had no idea what D.C. was like, but I started to look more into it. Somehow, I ended up getting everything done on time that I needed to in order to apply for the D.C. internship, and then it was waiting time. I had no idea if I would make it, but felt that by applying for the winter semester I would have a better chance of being accepted than any other time of year. As it turns out, I was right, and I was accepted into the internship program. I would be heading to the nations capital next semester! 

Now, what does this have to do with the rest of the story? Well, you see, it turns out that Jenoa also happened to apply for an internship in Washington D.C., and that she also happened to get accepted in. Neither of us had talked to each other about our intentions of doing an internship in D.C., and I was not stalking her (despite what she might tell you otherwise). 

One day in early October, I received an email from the director of the internship program informing me that I needed to set up an interview with her to talk about which internship I wanted to do, and that I needed to schedule a time slot. As I looked at the names of the other interns who would be going, I happened to notice that there was an intern named Jenoa heading to D.C. that same semester. Can you image how excited I became at that moment? I had to play it cool though, because I barely knew her, but I knew that she was cool and cute. When I got to class next time, she brought it up and asked if I was going to D.C. next semester, I said yes, and she said that she was too! 

Throughout the rest of the semester, we had small talk, asked each other about D.C. and school, but never got into anything too amazing. I had her number because of our group projects, but we would text now and again, too. I really wanted to ask her out on a date, but at the same time I didn't want to ruin any opportunity that I might have in D.C. of going out with her. But I still wanted to get to know her better, so I invited her to a Christmas party that David and I were going to host. However, the party fell through, and I told her it was no longer happening. Apparently she was very excited to go to the party, as I later found out. 

Well, the semester came to an end, and with it the New Year came around. Jenoa was headed to NYC for the celebration, and I was heading to D.C. just a few days later. I told her I would see her there, and it was off to the east coast! 

Now, getting to D.C., I didn't know anybody in the internship besides Jenoa. I didn't even know Jenoa that well, but simply knowing that we had worked on a couple group projects together and had sat by each other all semester, it was nice to have a familiar face there, and it lead to an instant connection. She had only been there a day before I asked her if she wanted to go out and explore the city with me! 

It was all so exciting living in a new city, exploring it with a cool girl, and running around having fun. We walked along the mall, saw the Washington Monument, went up to the Treasury and Whitehouse, and then decided to head back to the apartments. We hung out a couple of times after that, talked a little bit, but we weren't always sure what to say to each other. You know, we still didn't know each other that well. But yet, we still planned a lot of activities together, and we went around the town quite a bit together. 

Well, after only being in town for a week, we decided to plan a trip to Charleston, South Carolina, that ended up evolving into a trip all the way down to Savannah, Georgia because Jenoa had a friend that lived there. We invited a few people along, but only Hannah, Jenoa's friend, ended up coming along with. 

You know, at this time, I had no idea who Jenoa really was. I knew that she was down to earth, she was easy going, nice, and that I enjoyed being around her. But we hadn't had a real break through moment yet in our friendship. There was still some ice breaking that needed to be done, and I saw this trip as an opportunity for both of us to open up a bit and to see what she was really like. I also really liked the fact that she was wanting to go on this trip even thought we didn't know each other that well! A good sign of spontaneity and a person that likes to have fun! So after work on Friday, we went back to the apartments, got our stuff, headed out to the airport, and got our rental car. It was off to South Carolina! We drove all night in the dark, listening to music and talking! Jenoa started to act a little silly, something I had never seen out of her before. Every time we drove past a sign that said Myrtle Beach she would get ridiculously excited and yell out "Myrtle Beach!?" It made me laugh, and with each passing moment, she started to become more and more attractive. 

We got down to Savannah, walked around, took pictures, and the whole time I was learning more and more about who Jenoa was, what she liked, and that she was funny. Now that is not something you always get in a girl, but Jenoa knew how to be funny. During the whole trip, I started to see a side of Jenoa that I had never seen before, and it was all good. Everything she did seemed to be perfect, and I couldn't believe it. I had never met a girl like this that fit all the expectations I had in my head! I didn't think a girl like that existed. I was in awe, and I really wanted to cuddle with her while we were down there, but that never happened. I was falling for her hard. I don't think she had any idea at this point how into her I was. But wow, I just wanted to walk next to her, be next to her, talk to her. It was like the rest of the world vanished and Jenoa was the only thing that was going on.

I don't even know if I could believe that life was real at that moment. I was in Georgia with this amazing girl and everything was happy and exciting! But most importantly, it was real. Life was real. I was having an "Is this real life?!" moment. 

After the trip, I was so into Jenoa. She had shown me the side of her that I was hoping she had, and boy was she still mysterious as ever. I knew that every time I would hang out with her, I would learn something new about her. We kept hanging out and getting to know each other more and more, and as we did so, I kept liking her more and more. I was head over heels for her, and I spent a lot of nights not being able to fall asleep because of how happy I was about the potential of something happening with her. 

And then, we had this great day where we went and explored Georgetown University, and then Georgetown the neighborhood. We walked and talked and it was just the two of us. At this point in time I was dying for one-on-one time with Jenoa. I didn't want to ask her on a date yet, because I thought it might ruin my chances, but if we hung out one-on-one, it was almost like a date, but with the comfortability of being friends. And that is what we needed; friendship. We walked and talked, went and got ice cream at Thomas Sweet, then made our way down to Five Guys, and ate. During this time, we really started to open up to each other about our lives and families, topics we had never really brought up much before. In my mind, this was a big moment. Opening up is always a big moment because it shows you trust somebody, and that you feel comfortable with them. The fact that Jenoa was starting to open up to me was a good sign.

Time continued to go by, and we started to do more things together just the two of us. At the end of a day, sometimes we decided that we would want to go dancing, so we went to this Jazz club in DuPont Circle, and just danced. We didn't even touch each other. I leaned over and talked into her ear because the music was so loud, but we that was as much touching as we did. I wanted to dance with her, hold her hand, and put my arm around her as we walked back, but I couldn't get myself to do it! Things were going good...

Until a couple weeks later, when we were being extra flirty over text, Jenoa said that we should have a talk and that we should just be friends. I was devastated. This girl that I was having so much fun with just wanted to be friends. I didn't know what to say. I wanted to tell her how much more fun things would be if we were in a relationship, and how much more fun everything would be that way. Part of me was hurt and wasn't sure if I should hang out with her at all anymore if all it would lead to was heartache. But I did some thinking and decided that I was going to try and become her best friend. If I couldn't date her, I was still going to have a great time in D.C., and I knew that she was going to be a big part of the reason why it was so fun. I had to decide to get over it and still be friends. It was a good decision. 

The next week after our talk, we hung out almost every night. We were texting each other non stop at this point, at work, and home, at the store, we were always talking. We had planned a trip to Philadelphia, and I knew that our friendship was already closer than anybody else we knew in D.C. And you know what? For how heartbroken I was, I think it was a good thing (in hindsight) that Jenoa had that talk with me. I think it eased some tension that was building up, and we were both able to just be ourselves. We had a lot of fun. We went to Adams-Morgan one night and went to a palm reader. It was just the two of us, and we talked and hung out all night. And I noticed that things started to get a little flirty between us, and I wasn't sure if it was real flirting, or just that we both felt so comfortable with each other that we didn't feel the pressure of trying to date. 

The next day was Philadelphia, and it was time to head out early in the morning. However, I got a text from Jenoa saying she wasn't going to make it because she was feeling really sick. I was so sad at this point. I really wanted her to come because obviously I really liked her still. I wasn't sure if she wasn't going because of how flirty we were the previous night and if she was scared of me flirting with her on this trip, but based upon what I knew of her, I couldn't imagine her turning down a trip for that reason, and didn't see her as the kind to lie to get out of a situation like that. 

As the day went on, I got a text from Jenoa saying that she had bought a train ticket and was headed up to Philly to hang out with us! You can only imagine my joy at that text! Hallelujah! She got up there, we all walked around Philly for a while, and then it was time to go back into the hotel. We semi put the beds together, and Jenoa was sleeping on the end of her bed which was touching my bed, and I was on the edge closest to her. I wanted so badly to snuggle with her, but knew that she just wanted to be friends. However, it was still exciting to have her sleeping close by. I loved it! 

Soon, the trip was over and it was time to head back to Washington, so we went and waited at the train station. We ended up being some of the last people in line, so I didn't think any of us would get seats next to each other. I was the last of our group to go onto the bus, and I thought Jenoa would walk ahead and get a seat with the rest of the group, but she ended up waiting for me to get my ticket scanned. I liked that. Jenoa is a very thoughtful person, and always caring about everybody. So we ended up finding seats across the aisle from each other, but a man offered to give up his seat so we could sit next to each other. What a gesture! I was thrilled. I gladly accepted and moved over to sit next to Jenoa. It was a three hour ride back to D.C, and it was already pretty late at night. We would need our sleep for the next day at work, so we talked to entire way home. We talked non-stop. My voice was gone and throat was sore by the time we got back to the city. We just talked and talked and talked, and the conversation was fun the entire time. Our arms even were touching each other on the arm rest that lay in-between us. That was pretty much the first time we ever touched. I couldn't stop smiling.

After this trip, things just kept going well. Things were going good, and Jenoa started to open up even more to me. At this point she was my best friend. We were talking every day, all day. We joked, laughed, hung out all the time, stayed up until 2 in the morning every night talking before deciding we should say goodnight, go to our separate apartments and get some sleep for the next. I don't know how we functioned off of five hours of sleep, but we did. We just couldn't stop talking. It would get to midnight and we would say it is late, and then it would get to 12:30 and we would say it was late, but we would just keep talking. Then it would hit two o'clock and finally, we would make ourselves say goodbye for the night and go to bed.

Everything was going well again, and one night, we were up at her apartment and we were watching Fantastic Mr. Fox. We were being flirty this night. Jenoa accidentally broke a mug (her second one in a week) and we couldn't stop laughing about it! I kept teasing Jenoa about the questions she was asking during the movie ("How can they all live in that tree?", "Jenoa, it's a cartoon..."), and we were sitting as close as you could get without actually cuddling. We started playing a little footsie, and when the movie ended, I put my head underneath the blanket and she did too, and I just looked at her. She asked "what are we doing under here?" and I wanted to just kiss her so badly! I should have! But I didn't let myself. She just wants to be friends, I kept convincing myself, and that is how our night ended.

The next day I as on cloud nine. No, I hand't kissed her, but I felt that things were moving in the right direction, and I didn't want to mess with that. It was a snow day, and as I was going to the store I was dancing and singing to my music the whole time! But then, things started to get weird again with Jenoa. I noticed she wasn't talking to me much that day, or the next day. I couldn't figure out what was wrong. So I started talking to one of her roommates to figure out what was going on. She told me that Jenoa wanted me to kiss her, and to hold her hand, but that she was nervous. That is all I needed to hear to give me the confidence I needed. I asked Jenoa if we could talk because things had been kind of weird between us for the last few days, and I did not like that one bit. So we met a few nights later, and we sat about as far apart from each other as was humanly possible on the bench bar we were on, and we talked. Jenoa admitted that she had a crush on me (which is a big deal in Jenoa language), and that we should just kind of go with things and see how they would go. I was definitely on board for that, especially with our trip to Boston coming up next week! 

And so, things got better again. The air was cleared and we were friends yet again, flirting and laughing, and taking forever into the night. And then Boston came. I had already written in my journal that I was going to kiss Jenoa in Boston, and I think every single one of the interns knew that we were going to kiss, but yet there was still some doubt. We got there, and day one passed by and no kiss or holding hands. I wanted to so badly, but was so worried that if I kissed her and she didn't want me to, that the rest of the trip would be super awkward. So then day two went by, and still no kiss or holding hands. And finally, day three came, and time was running out for kissing her in Boston. It got late at night, the clock turned to midnight and we had just finished watching a movie and I sat up, shaking, and turned to her and said "Happy St. Patricks Day" and then went in and kissed her! Oh wow! It was so magical! All the moments of anticipation leading up to this and it was amazing! I could not believe that I had just kissed her! I could not believe it one bit! My heart was dancing in my chest and I had finally kissed her! 

After that moment, life in D.C. was a big dream. Jenoa and I hung out all the time, we talked all the time, we explored the city, went on late night walks, went to free concerts, explored museums and restaurants, and continued exploring Georgetown. Her family came into town, Rudi and Angela came into town, and we just made the most of every moment that we had in that city. And it was perfect. 

There is still so much of the story to tell, but that is the beginning of it all. So fun, so exciting, and so happy! I couldn't be happier with the way our relationship started. I love our story. It is now a year removed since our D.C. adventure came to an end, but there are so many things that I have come to learn from Jenoa over the past year and a half.

Jenoa has a heart of gold, and has taught me so much about the importance of loving family and making them a priority in life. It's not that I didn't love my family, I always have, but I had never made them a priority like I have now, and I owe a big thank you to Jenoa for helping me see that and make that change.

I have learned a lot about ambition and reaching for the stars. Jenoa has always had a dream and always had a plan. She has helped me see the importance of having a plan and having a goal and reaching for it. I have seen how my potential has grown and changed in the time that I have known her. I know that I can accomplish anything I put my mind to with a bit of hard work and dedication. She has been an integral piece in this part of my development. 

Jenoa is the most naturally good human being that I know. She isn't a good person because her family wants to be a good person, or because her friends want her to, or anybody or anything wants her to. Jenoa is a good person and because she wants to be a good person. She doesn't give in to peer pressure and won't sacrifice her morals because of what other people think. She is strong and independent, and I look up to her for her values and goodness. She is strong and has helped me learn to say no to things I don't want nor need. 

Jenoa is a confident woman. She believes in herself and her talents, and knows that she can accomplish almost anything if she puts her mind to it. She doesn't doubt herself. I love that about her. Watching her has helped me learn self-confidence courage. Jenoa isn't afraid to speak her mind and will say what she needs to say. 

Jenoa is funny. In fact, she is hilarious. I still don't think to this day that she knows how funny she is. She can make me laugh about anything. I admire that about her. She can be silly and weird. She is quirky. But that gives her so much personality and makes her unique and her own individual. 

Jenoa is one of the best listeners I have ever met. People always feel comfortable around her because she never judges other people. People sense that and they open up to her. I know, because I did. She listens, and she cares about what you say. If everybody in the world could listen the way that Jenoa does, so many problems in the world would be resolved. I have learned how to be a better listener by watching her.

Jenoa is so caring. She hates to see sadness in the world and is always wanting to help out where she can. She wants to help the sick, the hurt, the sad, and lonely. She wants to make everything perfect for everyone and will go out of her way to do anything for the people she loves. You couldn't ask for a better friend. 

I love that Jenoa expects to live life to the fullest. She wants to travel and explore, and get the most out of life. I love that she makes the most of her opportunities and grabs life by the horns. She knows that life is what you make it, and she wants to make hers great. 

I have had the most wonderful time of my life, and have shared some of the best experiences of my life with Jenoa. I am so grateful for her in my life and for her friendship. Thank you, my friend, for all the joy you have brought into my life.

And so, I end this blog with the story of a wonderful beginning.

A Farewell to Laura

My friend Laura is getting ready to leave on her mission on Monday. She will leave to Spain and serve for a year and a half in the Malaga mission. I have very mixed feelings about her leaving. Part of my just longs to have her stay, but the other part of me knows that missions are the most incredible thing a person could experience. I know that she is doing a good thing.

But I want to say a little farewell to her, and thank her for all that she has done for me the past few months of my life.

Laura and I met the day I returned home from my own mission. She came over once that fall and we watched Modern Family, but then we didn't really hang out again for a long time after that. I was still strange and fresh from my mission, not really knowing what my interests were, my likes or dislikes. I was trying to find out who I was again, but in a real world sense. Anyway, I changed a lot since the first time we hung out.

Then, this past summer we ran into each other once on campus, said the usual "hey we should hang out soon" and then didn't talk to each other the rest of summer, until I invited her to come to the Iron and Wine concert at the end of August. She came, and we were able to talk a lot. Laura is really good at carrying a conversation. She can make anybody feel comfortable.

That's kind of the whole introduction of how we met. And then, from there, that's when we really started to meet. Laura moved just down the street from me, and we hung out practically everyday. We became best friends. We had an instant connection that doesn't come along that often. It was one of those feelings that we just understood each other from the very get go. And as I got to know Laura more and more, she taught me a lot of things about life, things I want to keep and implement into my own life.

Laura helped me to realize that the life I have imagined in my head can really come to fruition. It is real and can happen - if you make it happen. The key word is make. I used to think that some people were born lucky, born to have extraordinary lives. I always wanted that, but thought that it was not within my power to make that happen. But I have come to learn that I was wrong. Laura has shown me that amazing things happen to people because they go out and make them happen. They create their own luck, as it were. I have learned that I can no longer be passive in my pursuit of life, but that I need to be active and proactive in how I take on the events life has to offer. I have to seize the day, YOLO (you only live once), or FOMO (fear of missing out), however you would like to call it. The life that I have lived the past 7 or so months has been one I have always dreamed of. It has been more fun that I honestly could have ever hoped for. I have found a friend who views life the same way I do. And that makes a big difference. I mean, Laura is fun by herself, but honestly, when I am there with her, I think that we are even more fun together.

Laura has shown and taught me the importance of being confident, but not overconfident, in oneself. This is something that I have always struggled with in my own life. I have always found it hard to accept myself for who I am. But, I look at the way she sees herself. She doesn't boast or brag of things she does, and often she will never mention something great that she has done. Yet, she believes in herself and in her own abilities.

She has taught me the importance of not judging others. Since we have hung out, there have been a million ideas tossed out that many people would say are silly, stupid, or dumb, but we have never once judged each other for our ideas. And because of that, you feel loved and respected by those around you. You don't have to feel like you need to always please them because you know they will be happy with whatever you say or do. She has not only accepted me for my quarks and strange behavior, but she loves me for it. And that makes you feel really good about yourself.

She has taught me about he importance of saying yes to things. I think we have helped each other out in that, actually. We have talked about how we feel bad for so many people who say no to ideas or opportunities for no good reason. They are missing out on so much of life! They are missing a lot of they joy that comes from the details and experiences that life has to offer, if only you will go out and grab them. Whenever one of us throws out an idea for something to do, we say yes, and because of that we have so many memories and good times together.

Laura has taught me how important it is to make others feel loved and needed. This is a gift that Laura definitely has. People love her because she loves them. And it feels good to be loved by somebody.

Laura has a real testimony. She is always the first to want to go to firesides, church, the temple, etc. She knows what she wants and she knows how important the gospel is to her life. She is a great example to me of what a member of the church should be like.

Honestly, I will really miss Laura. I have never had a friend like her. She helped bring out the best in me and helped me want to get better. I have never had so much fun with one person. She has made me louder and more outgoing. I will be sad to see her leave, and I hope that one day I will get to see her again, and that our friendship will be as strong and bright as it is now.

So long...

Sundance

I am finally getting to Saturday's story.

So, on the last night of Sundance, we decided to go up to Park City and hit the streets and maybe get into a party if we could find one. So we got up there, walked around Main Street for a little while, and finally decided to get some food. We ate, and hit the streets some more.

Anyway, Renan knew where the big after party was taking place, so we decided to go there and see how we could get in. So we got outside of the building, and we were trying to plot our entrance, but we kept running into problems. So we decided to split up and scope out the building a little bit. Laura and Sydney went one way, Renan and Brandon went another, and I just kind of just sat there for a minute. Anyway, we regroup, but Laura and Sydney are missing. We can't get ahold of them either. Finally, they call us and they got in because some lady gave them two tickets. So now we HAVE to find a way in.

We keep searching around the building and try checking doors. We find one, but it is right by the DJ and the stage, so we worry that it might be really hard to just sneak in that way. So we continue looking. No luck. All the other doors are locked. Finally we decide that our only one hope is the door we previously checked. So we go back to check it out, and there is a guy peeing outside against the wall. So we wait for him to finish peeing and Brandon goes up and asks him if we can follow him back in. He says sure, but that he can't vouch for us and that he can't be sure we won't be kicked out. So, we follow. We get right into the building and the guy in front of us walks straight, but for some reason Brandon takes a right, where a group of people are sitting and they immediately ask "Hey, where are your passes?" Brandon stopped, but Renan and I kept walking and just walked in and there we were, on the dance floor. We had no idea what happened to Brandon. After about 20 minutes, we ran into him and all was good. We spent the rest of the night dancing and having fun up at Sundance.

Fairy Tale Kind of Life

I just finished reading my post from one year ago today (Janaury 27, 2012) and wow has my life changed. It didn't come easy and and wasn't quick at all, but it sure did a 180 degree change. And I am very grateful.

I just want to say that I have such a fairy tale life right now! I love my friends. I honestly cannot think of a better group of friends than I have right now. They are always up for adventures and it is a rare case when they say no to an idea. They are not judgemental at all and they accept me and everybody else for being crazy and weird and silly. I honestly don't think I could ask for a better group of friends.

But this past weekend was so much fun. It seemed so fake! First, on Friday night, Brett and Selya were putting on a show that we were invited to via Facebook. So Renan and I decided to go, but we of course invited a few more people. Only Sydney and Matt were able to make it that night, but it was incredible. The show ended up being played at some guys home near the mouth of Little Cottonwood Canyon. The house was incredible. He had a whole reception center on the back of his house and that is where the show was played. I have never seen a house so amazing in my life. We were all in awe the whole time. I wish that you could see the house, then you would understand.

Anyway, after snooping around the house and seeing all that it had to offer, it was finally time for the show to start. All I can say about it is wow. They are amazing! Brett is so talented musically and can play almost any instrument. He also has a very nice voice. But Selya's voice is incredible. I could have listened to her sing and them play for hours. We all felt that way. It was like some private little show that they had put on just for us. It really set the mood for the rest of the night.

As we were walking out, Matt made one of the funniest comments I have ever heard him say. He said "Guys, now, I am not one to use "YOLO" very often, but tonight it definitely one of those moments. I am YOLOing tonight. I feel like what just happened is fake. I came with the impression that we were going to see some of your old high school friends play in some band at some random place. I did no expect what just happened. I am willing to go to dinner and drop a hundred bucks tonight". So that was our plan. We decided to go walk around downtown and hit up some restaurant.

We picked up Laura, and then headed downtown. We were all walking around looking for a place to eat when we ran into a nature conservation effort. There was music playing and then a projection of the northern lights shining on the whole side of this building. We almost walked right on by, buy somebody (either Laura or Sydney) suggested that we go and dance on this black rug that was set up in between the two buildings. So we went in and danced. It was great. The first song wasn't very good to dance to, but then a song by ratatat came on and did we ever dance! It was great, because all of the sudden a guy who had been standing there the whole time came up an started taking pictures of us dancing, and then suddenly out of nowhere this other guy came up with a really nice professional camera came up and started recording us dancing! We danced the whole song as people walked by and stopped and watched us. (It was a very long song). It was amazing. We were having so much fun! And then the song ended, and no new song came on. The guy filming us just walked away to who knows where, they guy taking pictures of us disappeared, and suddenly it was just us. We were wondering what happened and why the music stopped. We were also confused at who it was who was recording us! We really want to find that video! It felt like they were just waiting for us the whole night to come and show up and dance, and then once we left, their whole nights work was accomplished. We aren't even sure if the people who recorded us were with the nature conservancy!

We ended up walking to Redrock, where we all shared a table, got some hot wings, a pitcher of cream soda, and some fries and just talked. It was so much fun!

After dinner we went to Brandon's and watched a movie. He had all of my blankets and pads, so I was super comfortable and fell asleep for the movie. But the way home was so much fun! I gave Laura and Sydney a ride home, and they were in a crazy tired mood, so it was fun to tease them! We went around the round a bout multiple times, drove through dark alley ways, and then finally took them home.

I love my friends, and I love my life. It is a fairy tale. Saturday's story will be posted shortly.

The past 6 months

I have been very awful at posting here on my blog the last year, so I want to get into a better habit of recording my life on here.

So I will try to catch up on my life the past couple of months. Ahem:

First and foremost I just want to say that the last six months of my life have been some of the best, most fun times of my life. I have found the greatest group of friends who accept me for my craziness and odd quirks. They are so accepting of everybody and they never turn down a fun idea (or even not so fun idea). Fun things that have happened include dancing, throwing holiday parties, going to the keyhole, cooking dinner together, going to horchata weekly, Idaho trips, hot springs, sledding, sleeping on the roof, etc...

I have this philosophy that I live by and it came to me shortly before my mission. One day when I was watching a movie (I used to watch many movies with my friends) I decided that people in movies had incredible lives, lives that people would say could only happen in the movies. At that moment I decided that I wanted my life to be one that people could make movies about. Since then, I have tried to do that, and I believe it has turned out to be so. I have moments where I catch myself thinking that I live in some sort of sitcom. Anyway, I guess what I am really trying to say here, is that the past 6 months of my life have been what I have dreamed life should be like. I absolutely love my life.

Now, I will just go to my most recent adventure.

This past weekend a bunch of friends and I went up to Sun Valley, Idaho to go spend a night in a yurt at Galina's Lodge. Renan, Karen, Sydney and I all rode up in my car, while David, Brandon, Hillary, and Laura rode up in Laura's. The ride up there was so much fun. We just talked and listened to music, but it was so nice. However, we stopped at Laura's parents place to drop off some of our gear so that the hike up to the yurt wouldn't be so difficult. We quickly got ready and started on our half hour drive to the parking lot. That part of the ride was so fun! It was so beautiful driving up the canyon at night with a clear sky and the moon lighting our way. There is something very romantic about the moon light and nighttime. The mountains were so beautiful and we put on some good music, and none of us really wanted the ride to end. But soon we arrived at our destination, unloaded our gear and started the trek up to our lodgings for the night.

The climb up was steep, tiring, and dark, and since we didn't have a flashlight, I found myself walking off the trail and sinking into feet of powder. But as we started getting closer, suddenly Laura and David came down the trail, hugged us and helped us find our way to the yurt. The yurt itself was very cozy and friendly. We cooked some tacos, and then decided to go for a night walk. On our way out, a little fox was sitting outside of our yurt waiting for some dinner, so we decided to go and give him some left over hamburger from the burritos we cooked. Foxley (as we decided to name him) was well pleased, and didn't stray too far from our yurt the rest of the trip.

The walk was amazing! It wasn't even that cold, especially compared to the nasty weather we have been having lately in Salt Lake. We walked around and looked at the whole night sky, with all its stars and a beautiful moon. We threw snowballs, tackled each other, ran through the snow, yelled, and just had a nice time walking in the beauty that surrounded us.

After the walk it was time to hit the sauna. We put some fire in the stove and waited for it to heat up, all while David told us some ghost stories that weren't that scary and which he made up on the spot. Good attempt for trying though.

Anyway, the rest of the night was filled with steamrolling, games, and just talking as we all cuddled up together in the center of the yurt. Then, it was sleepy time.

In the morning it was great because everybody in the group was very happy in them morning. I woke up to Karen warmly greeting me, and then to some steamrolling. I love steamrolling!

But soon enough it was time to check out of the yurt and move on to snowmobiling. I don't know how many of you have ever been snowmobiling before, but it is great fun, and hurts a little bit. You hook up tubes to the back of a snowmobile and then they drive you around and try to throw you off. It is fun. However, since there were so many of us, and Matt, Lexi, and Erin ended up finding us later, we had to take turns on the snowmobile, and so the rest of us went sledding while that happened. The hill was long and steep, which made for some really fantastic sledding, but also wore you out by the time you got to the top of the hill. I made it a goal to carry Hillary to the top of the hill and I did after many breaks and falling over. But it was worth it.

After snowmobiling, we went back to Laura's where we showered, ate, and got ready for the next leg of the journey. We decided to go to a hockey game at the Sun Valley resort. While we were waiting to get in for free, we hung out at the Lodge. David had stayed there a few times in the past with his dad, and so he knew that they set out chocolates on the pillows of some of the rooms. So we ended up finding the maid and he asked her if we could get some chocolates. She asked what room we were in and David calmly responded that we were just downstairs. She gave us chocolates. They were delicious. By then we were ready to go to the hockey game. The Sun Valley Suns were playing the Las Vegas Hookers (yes, that was their real name, unfortunately). The game was fun and exciting, however the Suns lost in a shootout. It was a close game. We were all very worn out and ready for bed after that.

Next came Sunday. We went to church, came back and ate, and then we decided we wanted to go ice skating. Luckily for us, there was a free rink in Hailey, so we drove there and ice skated. It was so much fun! I haven't been ice skating in years, so my skills were not up to par. Anyway, they also had hockey goals, pucks, and hockey sticks, so as a group we decided to play a game of hockey. Boy we were awful! But by, did that make things fun! It was hilarious because people were slipping and falling all over the place. Once Sydney was wide open in front of the goal, Brandon passed it to her for a shot, and and she went to swing, her legs slipped out from under her and she plopped to the ground! Next it was Lexi's turn. She finally got the puck and took a shot, but her momentum was too much for her and she also gave into ice and gravity. Finally it was my turn. I got the puck and while speedily (in my own eyes) skating down the rink, I took a shot from over half rink and made it. So I started celebrating, and Laura was on my team, so she was yelling too! My momentum was leading me towards her, and as we got closer, my legs started spreading farther apart, and I thought to myself "If I can only make it to Laura, I won't fall). Well, the second I got to Laura, we embraced in celebration, and I fell backwards, pulling her down with me. It was hilarious!

Well, we had all had our fill of hockey and ice skating, and we really wanted to make it to the hot springs, so we went home, ate, and got ready. Unfortunately for me and to the girls delight, I had forgotten my speedo at home. However, Laura found some of her brothers swim trunks that he would wear. They were tiny short shorts. I was thrilled. I put them on and they were great! However, it was a little nerve racking walking up stairs in front of people because as I mentioned, these shorts were short, and I didn't have anything on underneath that could provide support! So that was great.

On the way to the hot springs, it got really hot in the car, so I decided to take off my shirt. I thought this as harmless seeing as we were about to be swimming anyway, but Laura and Sydney thought otherwise. They demanded that I put my shirt back on, but I refused. So, to try and force me into wearing a shirt, they rolled down the windows and turned on the AC. I still refused to put my shirt on. Fortunately for me, I was sitting in the front middle of the Suburban, so the cold air wasn't hitting me so much. Unfortunately for the people in the back of the car, they were getting blasted with cold air! And they hated it. So they wanted me to put my shirt on as well. I still refused. So people started slapping my back and yelling at me to put my shirt back on. Some of those slaps really hurt! It hurt Erin's hand so much that she didn't want to slap me again. Finally, after a few minutes I decided to be kind and I put my shirt back on. The windows went up, and everybody was relatively happy.

Still on the way up we passed a few dear, we saw another fox, and lastly we saw an animal that we weren't sure what it was! As we found out the next day, it was a wolverine! That's neat! That is the first time I have ever seen a wolverine before.

We finally got to the hot springs, which were burning hot where we first got in, and then they cooled down a bit as we moved to a better part of the pot. It was nice and relaxing. I love hot pots.

We got back to Laura's house for the night, decided to watch a movie, and then to go to bed. I don't know what it is about late night, but the later it gets, the more energy and fewer inhibitions I seem to have. So, still wearing only my short swim trunks I decided to sneak up on a few people while they were trying to fall asleep. Sydney and Erin were my main targets as they had the cozy bed all to themselves and were in a separate room. I scared Sydney a good deal of times, and I think just weirded out Erin. They were both grossed out when I slinked into their bed. Needless to say, I was the only one sleeping in the bed that night. Erin and Sydney moved out into the living room with the rest of the gang.

That was the trip. It was filled full of activities, and was so much fun with a great group of friends. I did not want to come home after such a great weekend! These memories will stick with me for years to come.

Girls, Love, Etc.

I went for a walk tonight with one of my oldest friends, Evan, where we were able to talk about our lives and things we are dealing with right now. After returning home, I came to realize a few things about myself. First, I have become much better at expressing myself verbally through word of mouth than I did before my mission. I used to be much better at writing out my thoughts and then realizing how to say them, but now it has turned opposite. If I don't express myself through talking, I have a hard time explaining myself at all. I can't seem to find the words or the heart for writing out my thoughts the way I used to. I think it has to do with the fact that when I speak, the words come out without a whole lot of double checking, meaning that they are coming more from the heart and the soul than from a thoroughly thought out final draft in my mind. The second thing that I realized is that most 22 year old guys think about girls...a lot. Now, these two realizations were very refreshing to me for some reason, partly because I was able to explain a lot about how I feel and what I think about how my life is playing out.

 I mentioned to Evan how I think about girls way too often. It's not that I want to just think about them all the time, it just happens. And I worry way too often about them as well. I can't help it! I think this is just what happens at this age. I wish I didn't worry about girls so much to be honest. I probably think about them 60% of the time, if not more. That is a lot of time. I feel like I could be doing something much more productive with my life than worrying about trying to find a girlfriend and future wife. But no matter what I am doing, the thought always comes back to my mind that I want to find that girl with whom I can have that special bond and relationship that is better than any other relationship. I want to share my life with somebody; stories, adventures, school, work, etc. I want to have that connection with somebody that swallows up the loneliness I feel when I am with somebody else. I guess what I am trying to say is that I feel incomplete. I feel like I cannot fully reach my own potential without that certain someone in my life.

 Now, I am not necessarily talking about marriage right now, not that I am opposed to the idea, in fact I am embracing it. Marriage can happen years down the road. But for me, right now, a simple relationship would suffice. A relationship with somebody that I can call my best friend. That is what I am looking for. And like I said, it's not that I am opposed to marriage, but my feelings on it are that I am ready to get married when the right person comes along. Nothing forced. I wanted to have at least a year of 'Colin Time' after my mission where I could sort through my life, have fun, and get everything in order. I have now been home for eleven months, one shy of that year mark, but I am feeling ready to start moving forward with my life. It has been one very interesting year since returning.

 Here we run into trouble. This is my own view on how I am attracted to somebody. Initially, I am attracted to somebody based on physical attraction - looks. I think they are cute and want to get to know them. That isn't supposed to be shallow, but that is how it works. However, looks can only carry somebody so far before personality makes the bigger impact. If their personality doesn't connect with mine, they fall off the radar, but if they match well, then we continue trying to go forward. However, if I think somebody is cute and want to get to know them, and then they like me back, usually I will stop liking them because it makes no sense why they would like me. I didn't earn their respect, or trust, or whatever you want to call it. I didn't earn it. My problem arises because I like girls who initially don't like me. Why? I am not entirely sure, but I think it has something to do with the fact that I have to win them over, that I have to prove to them that I am worth it. This proves to be quite difficult, but if it works, and they tell me that they like me, I know it is sincere and genuine. When a girl likes me for no specific reason it seems superficial, only skin deep. Major turn off.

 The problem with this strategy, while it does weed out a lot of people, is that I have no real confidence in myself when it comes to dating. I don't see any reason why a girl should like me over another guy. I feel like I always have less to offer than they do. I don't come from wealth or fame, and I have but few talents. I know that girls really like confidence, so I try to bluff it sometimes, although, in the moments when it matters, I seem to fail in my confidence bluffs.

 So, back to where we started: walking with Evan. As I was talking to Evan about all of these things, I realized how easy it was to talk to him about all of these different ideas and realizations that I had had. I wish it was that easy to talk to a girl like that. I wish I could just tell a girl that I liked her and not worry about it. I wish I could tell her how great she is and not fear awkwardness. I wish I could be one hundred percent open. But I am so scared of failure and rejection. I don't want girls to turn me down. I wish that my emotions could be pushed to the side for moments like these, but if they were, I wouldn't be telling anybody anything personal. Risk will always be involved when it comes to dating. I have never been a very good risk taker, but I think it is time I start working on my fear of rejection, and when it happens I have to accept it and move on, but I must understand that rejection is a part of life.