Girls, Love, Etc.

I went for a walk tonight with one of my oldest friends, Evan, where we were able to talk about our lives and things we are dealing with right now. After returning home, I came to realize a few things about myself. First, I have become much better at expressing myself verbally through word of mouth than I did before my mission. I used to be much better at writing out my thoughts and then realizing how to say them, but now it has turned opposite. If I don't express myself through talking, I have a hard time explaining myself at all. I can't seem to find the words or the heart for writing out my thoughts the way I used to. I think it has to do with the fact that when I speak, the words come out without a whole lot of double checking, meaning that they are coming more from the heart and the soul than from a thoroughly thought out final draft in my mind. The second thing that I realized is that most 22 year old guys think about girls...a lot. Now, these two realizations were very refreshing to me for some reason, partly because I was able to explain a lot about how I feel and what I think about how my life is playing out.

 I mentioned to Evan how I think about girls way too often. It's not that I want to just think about them all the time, it just happens. And I worry way too often about them as well. I can't help it! I think this is just what happens at this age. I wish I didn't worry about girls so much to be honest. I probably think about them 60% of the time, if not more. That is a lot of time. I feel like I could be doing something much more productive with my life than worrying about trying to find a girlfriend and future wife. But no matter what I am doing, the thought always comes back to my mind that I want to find that girl with whom I can have that special bond and relationship that is better than any other relationship. I want to share my life with somebody; stories, adventures, school, work, etc. I want to have that connection with somebody that swallows up the loneliness I feel when I am with somebody else. I guess what I am trying to say is that I feel incomplete. I feel like I cannot fully reach my own potential without that certain someone in my life.

 Now, I am not necessarily talking about marriage right now, not that I am opposed to the idea, in fact I am embracing it. Marriage can happen years down the road. But for me, right now, a simple relationship would suffice. A relationship with somebody that I can call my best friend. That is what I am looking for. And like I said, it's not that I am opposed to marriage, but my feelings on it are that I am ready to get married when the right person comes along. Nothing forced. I wanted to have at least a year of 'Colin Time' after my mission where I could sort through my life, have fun, and get everything in order. I have now been home for eleven months, one shy of that year mark, but I am feeling ready to start moving forward with my life. It has been one very interesting year since returning.

 Here we run into trouble. This is my own view on how I am attracted to somebody. Initially, I am attracted to somebody based on physical attraction - looks. I think they are cute and want to get to know them. That isn't supposed to be shallow, but that is how it works. However, looks can only carry somebody so far before personality makes the bigger impact. If their personality doesn't connect with mine, they fall off the radar, but if they match well, then we continue trying to go forward. However, if I think somebody is cute and want to get to know them, and then they like me back, usually I will stop liking them because it makes no sense why they would like me. I didn't earn their respect, or trust, or whatever you want to call it. I didn't earn it. My problem arises because I like girls who initially don't like me. Why? I am not entirely sure, but I think it has something to do with the fact that I have to win them over, that I have to prove to them that I am worth it. This proves to be quite difficult, but if it works, and they tell me that they like me, I know it is sincere and genuine. When a girl likes me for no specific reason it seems superficial, only skin deep. Major turn off.

 The problem with this strategy, while it does weed out a lot of people, is that I have no real confidence in myself when it comes to dating. I don't see any reason why a girl should like me over another guy. I feel like I always have less to offer than they do. I don't come from wealth or fame, and I have but few talents. I know that girls really like confidence, so I try to bluff it sometimes, although, in the moments when it matters, I seem to fail in my confidence bluffs.

 So, back to where we started: walking with Evan. As I was talking to Evan about all of these things, I realized how easy it was to talk to him about all of these different ideas and realizations that I had had. I wish it was that easy to talk to a girl like that. I wish I could just tell a girl that I liked her and not worry about it. I wish I could tell her how great she is and not fear awkwardness. I wish I could be one hundred percent open. But I am so scared of failure and rejection. I don't want girls to turn me down. I wish that my emotions could be pushed to the side for moments like these, but if they were, I wouldn't be telling anybody anything personal. Risk will always be involved when it comes to dating. I have never been a very good risk taker, but I think it is time I start working on my fear of rejection, and when it happens I have to accept it and move on, but I must understand that rejection is a part of life.

The Backwards Life

I was talking to a good friend the other day on the phone, and just telling him about life and how things are going, when I mentioned to him that my parents moved out into their new house up in Centerville. He then paused and laughed saying "Man, your life is backwards!" It made me laugh and think for a minute that actually yes, my life life is backwards. How many people have their parents move out on them? The thought alone sounds a little humorous. I worry too much about nothing and I care too much about everything. What I worry too much about is girls. I don't even know why. Actually, yes I do. I worry about girls because I want to be in a relationship so bad. However, I worry because I don't want to be in a bad relationship. I only want to be in a good relationship. I am not desperate and will not just get into a relationship with any girl that likes me, because trust me, I don't. But I am looking to find somebody that I really do care about. And I think I have found one. I will keep her name hidden even though whoever reads this knows exactly who I am talking about. Usually when I meet a girl that I think is cute, I start out with a crush on them, and then as I get to know them I become less and less interested in them. This is how it works with 95% of the girls that I meet. However, in this current situation that I am in, it actually started out the opposite. The very first time I met this girl there was no special draw that made me want to get to know her more. But as I kept seeing her, the more and more interested I became in her. Her personality is amazing. She is cute. She is funny (which, most girls I meet aren't). So the real thing that I am trying to say here, is that I hope that things work out here somehow. It would be a bit of a miracle, but I am holding on hope. And actually, it really just hit me today how much I like her. I suddenly realized that I don't care to do anything with other girls anymore. (This is a big step for me). I realized that I would just rather spend time with her than with any other person. I feel good when I am around her. She has a testimony. She is from out of state (I am not sure why I find this attractive, but I am somehow drawn to people not from Utah - and this is before I even know them). I just am ready to be in a relationship. I can settle down a little bit now. But life is good. It is constantly moving. I love it. I love how I feel right now. I am completely smitten, and it feels great. I will post again.

New York

Well, I have a few extra minutes here of downtime, and I forgot to bring a journal on this trip, so I figure why not start write a few thoughts about my trip so far. How would I go about describing my time that I have had here in New York? I would call it cliche. New York is very cliche. From the first moment I arrived up until now, things have been just as you would expect. But with New York, you expect great things, so my trip has been amazing to say the least. It started out at the airport, just getting off the plane and standing in line waiting for a taxi. Of course the line was huge, and by the time I got up to get into a taxi, the first words I hear out of my taxi drivers mouth are "Mother F***er" as he yells at another taxi parked near by. How very cliche. But let me tell you, the whole car ride into the city was amazing. I couldn't believe that I was actually here. I was in New York City. A dream finally coming true! I have come to love the city life, and when it comes to cities, New York is the best. Everything is here from the sites, to history and from restaurants to fashion. Anything you want to find can be found in this great city. I would love to live here some day, not for a permanent residence, but for a few short years. I just got kind of bored of writing this. So I am going to stop here.

I have come to realize that I don't post enough on my blog anymore. In fact, I have almost forgotten about it completely, but I don't keep a journal as I should, so I need to start blogging a bit more, because hey, its something. Life as of late has been good. Much better than it was two months ago. Things just keep getting better and better. I don't really know what else to say. It's not like any big thing is happening, just a change in perspective I guess. It makes a big difference. I went from wanting a girlfriend really bad to being fine not having one and living up a bachelor life while I can.

So, not a whole lot is new, but its all good.

Never Leave Lonely Alone

You know, it hurts my pride to say this and I have been fighting it for a while now, but I have to say it. I am lonely. I am. And its not out of choice. These past four months, since coming home from my mission, have been the loneliest months of my life. I don't even know what to do about it anymore. There used to be a time when I couldn't fall asleep at night because I was so happy. Now I can't fall asleep at night because I am so lonely. I don't have any close friends anymore. Before my mission I had my close group of friends; Lindsay, Olivia, Kendal, Evan, and James. It used to be that I could call them any night and then I would be doing something later with them. But now Lindsay is in a relationship and I rarely see her, Olivia never responds to my calls or texts, Kendal doesn't either, Evan and I have gone our ways, and James is getting ready to get married. Where does this all leave me? It leaves me alone.

I don't even know what to do anymore. I have tried to push the thought away and I try to get myself involved with things and people. But it seems people don't want to involve me or anything. It has been months since I have been invited to do something. So I try to do it all myself. But when I invite people to do things, they always find a way not to do it. And it makes it all the harder to invite anybody to anything knowing that they are going to say "no". I just don't know what to do anymore. I don't know how to make friends. I don't know why I am having so much trouble doing this as I have never had trouble in the past. Its not from lack of effort. I just hate having to put on my fake smile and tell people that "everything is going well" because the truth is, its not. But I know nobody cares to hear it. Life is not good.

Okay, so this blog is written more for my calming than for anything else. But right now, girls are killing me. I lay down in bed and try to go to sleep and suddenly I get the idea that I want to go on a date with a girl. And then I can't sleep. But this isn't just a girl, but I really want to go on a date with Danielle. I don't know what I am going to have to do. Maybe I need to just wait and be patient, but she has not answered my calls the last two nights and it is driving me insane! I lay in bed and I get so frustrated that she isn't asnwering her phone, and I am freaking out because I feel like she has gotten a bad first impression of me, and I need to change that quick. But maybe I am being too forward? I don't know. I just think that she is really pretty and really cool, and I want to get to know her better. Ahh! Why do girls have to be so hard!