Never Leave Lonely Alone

You know, it hurts my pride to say this and I have been fighting it for a while now, but I have to say it. I am lonely. I am. And its not out of choice. These past four months, since coming home from my mission, have been the loneliest months of my life. I don't even know what to do about it anymore. There used to be a time when I couldn't fall asleep at night because I was so happy. Now I can't fall asleep at night because I am so lonely. I don't have any close friends anymore. Before my mission I had my close group of friends; Lindsay, Olivia, Kendal, Evan, and James. It used to be that I could call them any night and then I would be doing something later with them. But now Lindsay is in a relationship and I rarely see her, Olivia never responds to my calls or texts, Kendal doesn't either, Evan and I have gone our ways, and James is getting ready to get married. Where does this all leave me? It leaves me alone.

I don't even know what to do anymore. I have tried to push the thought away and I try to get myself involved with things and people. But it seems people don't want to involve me or anything. It has been months since I have been invited to do something. So I try to do it all myself. But when I invite people to do things, they always find a way not to do it. And it makes it all the harder to invite anybody to anything knowing that they are going to say "no". I just don't know what to do anymore. I don't know how to make friends. I don't know why I am having so much trouble doing this as I have never had trouble in the past. Its not from lack of effort. I just hate having to put on my fake smile and tell people that "everything is going well" because the truth is, its not. But I know nobody cares to hear it. Life is not good.

Okay, so this blog is written more for my calming than for anything else. But right now, girls are killing me. I lay down in bed and try to go to sleep and suddenly I get the idea that I want to go on a date with a girl. And then I can't sleep. But this isn't just a girl, but I really want to go on a date with Danielle. I don't know what I am going to have to do. Maybe I need to just wait and be patient, but she has not answered my calls the last two nights and it is driving me insane! I lay in bed and I get so frustrated that she isn't asnwering her phone, and I am freaking out because I feel like she has gotten a bad first impression of me, and I need to change that quick. But maybe I am being too forward? I don't know. I just think that she is really pretty and really cool, and I want to get to know her better. Ahh! Why do girls have to be so hard!