I went for a walk tonight with one of my oldest friends, Evan, where we were able to talk about our lives and things we are dealing with right now. After returning home, I came to realize a few things about myself. First, I have become much better at expressing myself verbally through word of mouth than I did before my mission. I used to be much better at writing out my thoughts and then realizing how to say them, but now it has turned opposite. If I don't express myself through talking, I have a hard time explaining myself at all. I can't seem to find the words or the heart for writing out my thoughts the way I used to. I think it has to do with the fact that when I speak, the words come out without a whole lot of double checking, meaning that they are coming more from the heart and the soul than from a thoroughly thought out final draft in my mind. The second thing that I realized is that most 22 year old guys think about girls...a lot. Now, these two realizations were very refreshing to me for some reason, partly because I was able to explain a lot about how I feel and what I think about how my life is playing out.
I mentioned to Evan how I think about girls way too often. It's not that I want to just think about them all the time, it just happens. And I worry way too often about them as well. I can't help it! I think this is just what happens at this age. I wish I didn't worry about girls so much to be honest. I probably think about them 60% of the time, if not more. That is a lot of time. I feel like I could be doing something much more productive with my life than worrying about trying to find a girlfriend and future wife. But no matter what I am doing, the thought always comes back to my mind that I want to find that girl with whom I can have that special bond and relationship that is better than any other relationship. I want to share my life with somebody; stories, adventures, school, work, etc. I want to have that connection with somebody that swallows up the loneliness I feel when I am with somebody else. I guess what I am trying to say is that I feel incomplete. I feel like I cannot fully reach my own potential without that certain someone in my life.
Now, I am not necessarily talking about marriage right now, not that I am opposed to the idea, in fact I am embracing it. Marriage can happen years down the road. But for me, right now, a simple relationship would suffice. A relationship with somebody that I can call my best friend. That is what I am looking for. And like I said, it's not that I am opposed to marriage, but my feelings on it are that I am ready to get married when the right person comes along. Nothing forced. I wanted to have at least a year of 'Colin Time' after my mission where I could sort through my life, have fun, and get everything in order. I have now been home for eleven months, one shy of that year mark, but I am feeling ready to start moving forward with my life. It has been one very interesting year since returning.
Here we run into trouble. This is my own view on how I am attracted to somebody. Initially, I am attracted to somebody based on physical attraction - looks. I think they are cute and want to get to know them. That isn't supposed to be shallow, but that is how it works. However, looks can only carry somebody so far before personality makes the bigger impact. If their personality doesn't connect with mine, they fall off the radar, but if they match well, then we continue trying to go forward. However, if I think somebody is cute and want to get to know them, and then they like me back, usually I will stop liking them because it makes no sense why they would like me. I didn't earn their respect, or trust, or whatever you want to call it. I didn't earn it. My problem arises because I like girls who initially don't like me. Why? I am not entirely sure, but I think it has something to do with the fact that I have to win them over, that I have to prove to them that I am worth it. This proves to be quite difficult, but if it works, and they tell me that they like me, I know it is sincere and genuine. When a girl likes me for no specific reason it seems superficial, only skin deep. Major turn off.
The problem with this strategy, while it does weed out a lot of people, is that I have no real confidence in myself when it comes to dating. I don't see any reason why a girl should like me over another guy. I feel like I always have less to offer than they do. I don't come from wealth or fame, and I have but few talents. I know that girls really like confidence, so I try to bluff it sometimes, although, in the moments when it matters, I seem to fail in my confidence bluffs.
So, back to where we started: walking with Evan. As I was talking to Evan about all of these things, I realized how easy it was to talk to him about all of these different ideas and realizations that I had had. I wish it was that easy to talk to a girl like that. I wish I could just tell a girl that I liked her and not worry about it. I wish I could tell her how great she is and not fear awkwardness. I wish I could be one hundred percent open. But I am so scared of failure and rejection. I don't want girls to turn me down. I wish that my emotions could be pushed to the side for moments like these, but if they were, I wouldn't be telling anybody anything personal. Risk will always be involved when it comes to dating. I have never been a very good risk taker, but I think it is time I start working on my fear of rejection, and when it happens I have to accept it and move on, but I must understand that rejection is a part of life.
