The past 6 months

I have been very awful at posting here on my blog the last year, so I want to get into a better habit of recording my life on here.

So I will try to catch up on my life the past couple of months. Ahem:

First and foremost I just want to say that the last six months of my life have been some of the best, most fun times of my life. I have found the greatest group of friends who accept me for my craziness and odd quirks. They are so accepting of everybody and they never turn down a fun idea (or even not so fun idea). Fun things that have happened include dancing, throwing holiday parties, going to the keyhole, cooking dinner together, going to horchata weekly, Idaho trips, hot springs, sledding, sleeping on the roof, etc...

I have this philosophy that I live by and it came to me shortly before my mission. One day when I was watching a movie (I used to watch many movies with my friends) I decided that people in movies had incredible lives, lives that people would say could only happen in the movies. At that moment I decided that I wanted my life to be one that people could make movies about. Since then, I have tried to do that, and I believe it has turned out to be so. I have moments where I catch myself thinking that I live in some sort of sitcom. Anyway, I guess what I am really trying to say here, is that the past 6 months of my life have been what I have dreamed life should be like. I absolutely love my life.

Now, I will just go to my most recent adventure.

This past weekend a bunch of friends and I went up to Sun Valley, Idaho to go spend a night in a yurt at Galina's Lodge. Renan, Karen, Sydney and I all rode up in my car, while David, Brandon, Hillary, and Laura rode up in Laura's. The ride up there was so much fun. We just talked and listened to music, but it was so nice. However, we stopped at Laura's parents place to drop off some of our gear so that the hike up to the yurt wouldn't be so difficult. We quickly got ready and started on our half hour drive to the parking lot. That part of the ride was so fun! It was so beautiful driving up the canyon at night with a clear sky and the moon lighting our way. There is something very romantic about the moon light and nighttime. The mountains were so beautiful and we put on some good music, and none of us really wanted the ride to end. But soon we arrived at our destination, unloaded our gear and started the trek up to our lodgings for the night.

The climb up was steep, tiring, and dark, and since we didn't have a flashlight, I found myself walking off the trail and sinking into feet of powder. But as we started getting closer, suddenly Laura and David came down the trail, hugged us and helped us find our way to the yurt. The yurt itself was very cozy and friendly. We cooked some tacos, and then decided to go for a night walk. On our way out, a little fox was sitting outside of our yurt waiting for some dinner, so we decided to go and give him some left over hamburger from the burritos we cooked. Foxley (as we decided to name him) was well pleased, and didn't stray too far from our yurt the rest of the trip.

The walk was amazing! It wasn't even that cold, especially compared to the nasty weather we have been having lately in Salt Lake. We walked around and looked at the whole night sky, with all its stars and a beautiful moon. We threw snowballs, tackled each other, ran through the snow, yelled, and just had a nice time walking in the beauty that surrounded us.

After the walk it was time to hit the sauna. We put some fire in the stove and waited for it to heat up, all while David told us some ghost stories that weren't that scary and which he made up on the spot. Good attempt for trying though.

Anyway, the rest of the night was filled with steamrolling, games, and just talking as we all cuddled up together in the center of the yurt. Then, it was sleepy time.

In the morning it was great because everybody in the group was very happy in them morning. I woke up to Karen warmly greeting me, and then to some steamrolling. I love steamrolling!

But soon enough it was time to check out of the yurt and move on to snowmobiling. I don't know how many of you have ever been snowmobiling before, but it is great fun, and hurts a little bit. You hook up tubes to the back of a snowmobile and then they drive you around and try to throw you off. It is fun. However, since there were so many of us, and Matt, Lexi, and Erin ended up finding us later, we had to take turns on the snowmobile, and so the rest of us went sledding while that happened. The hill was long and steep, which made for some really fantastic sledding, but also wore you out by the time you got to the top of the hill. I made it a goal to carry Hillary to the top of the hill and I did after many breaks and falling over. But it was worth it.

After snowmobiling, we went back to Laura's where we showered, ate, and got ready for the next leg of the journey. We decided to go to a hockey game at the Sun Valley resort. While we were waiting to get in for free, we hung out at the Lodge. David had stayed there a few times in the past with his dad, and so he knew that they set out chocolates on the pillows of some of the rooms. So we ended up finding the maid and he asked her if we could get some chocolates. She asked what room we were in and David calmly responded that we were just downstairs. She gave us chocolates. They were delicious. By then we were ready to go to the hockey game. The Sun Valley Suns were playing the Las Vegas Hookers (yes, that was their real name, unfortunately). The game was fun and exciting, however the Suns lost in a shootout. It was a close game. We were all very worn out and ready for bed after that.

Next came Sunday. We went to church, came back and ate, and then we decided we wanted to go ice skating. Luckily for us, there was a free rink in Hailey, so we drove there and ice skated. It was so much fun! I haven't been ice skating in years, so my skills were not up to par. Anyway, they also had hockey goals, pucks, and hockey sticks, so as a group we decided to play a game of hockey. Boy we were awful! But by, did that make things fun! It was hilarious because people were slipping and falling all over the place. Once Sydney was wide open in front of the goal, Brandon passed it to her for a shot, and and she went to swing, her legs slipped out from under her and she plopped to the ground! Next it was Lexi's turn. She finally got the puck and took a shot, but her momentum was too much for her and she also gave into ice and gravity. Finally it was my turn. I got the puck and while speedily (in my own eyes) skating down the rink, I took a shot from over half rink and made it. So I started celebrating, and Laura was on my team, so she was yelling too! My momentum was leading me towards her, and as we got closer, my legs started spreading farther apart, and I thought to myself "If I can only make it to Laura, I won't fall). Well, the second I got to Laura, we embraced in celebration, and I fell backwards, pulling her down with me. It was hilarious!

Well, we had all had our fill of hockey and ice skating, and we really wanted to make it to the hot springs, so we went home, ate, and got ready. Unfortunately for me and to the girls delight, I had forgotten my speedo at home. However, Laura found some of her brothers swim trunks that he would wear. They were tiny short shorts. I was thrilled. I put them on and they were great! However, it was a little nerve racking walking up stairs in front of people because as I mentioned, these shorts were short, and I didn't have anything on underneath that could provide support! So that was great.

On the way to the hot springs, it got really hot in the car, so I decided to take off my shirt. I thought this as harmless seeing as we were about to be swimming anyway, but Laura and Sydney thought otherwise. They demanded that I put my shirt back on, but I refused. So, to try and force me into wearing a shirt, they rolled down the windows and turned on the AC. I still refused to put my shirt on. Fortunately for me, I was sitting in the front middle of the Suburban, so the cold air wasn't hitting me so much. Unfortunately for the people in the back of the car, they were getting blasted with cold air! And they hated it. So they wanted me to put my shirt on as well. I still refused. So people started slapping my back and yelling at me to put my shirt back on. Some of those slaps really hurt! It hurt Erin's hand so much that she didn't want to slap me again. Finally, after a few minutes I decided to be kind and I put my shirt back on. The windows went up, and everybody was relatively happy.

Still on the way up we passed a few dear, we saw another fox, and lastly we saw an animal that we weren't sure what it was! As we found out the next day, it was a wolverine! That's neat! That is the first time I have ever seen a wolverine before.

We finally got to the hot springs, which were burning hot where we first got in, and then they cooled down a bit as we moved to a better part of the pot. It was nice and relaxing. I love hot pots.

We got back to Laura's house for the night, decided to watch a movie, and then to go to bed. I don't know what it is about late night, but the later it gets, the more energy and fewer inhibitions I seem to have. So, still wearing only my short swim trunks I decided to sneak up on a few people while they were trying to fall asleep. Sydney and Erin were my main targets as they had the cozy bed all to themselves and were in a separate room. I scared Sydney a good deal of times, and I think just weirded out Erin. They were both grossed out when I slinked into their bed. Needless to say, I was the only one sleeping in the bed that night. Erin and Sydney moved out into the living room with the rest of the gang.

That was the trip. It was filled full of activities, and was so much fun with a great group of friends. I did not want to come home after such a great weekend! These memories will stick with me for years to come.

Girls, Love, Etc.

I went for a walk tonight with one of my oldest friends, Evan, where we were able to talk about our lives and things we are dealing with right now. After returning home, I came to realize a few things about myself. First, I have become much better at expressing myself verbally through word of mouth than I did before my mission. I used to be much better at writing out my thoughts and then realizing how to say them, but now it has turned opposite. If I don't express myself through talking, I have a hard time explaining myself at all. I can't seem to find the words or the heart for writing out my thoughts the way I used to. I think it has to do with the fact that when I speak, the words come out without a whole lot of double checking, meaning that they are coming more from the heart and the soul than from a thoroughly thought out final draft in my mind. The second thing that I realized is that most 22 year old guys think about girls...a lot. Now, these two realizations were very refreshing to me for some reason, partly because I was able to explain a lot about how I feel and what I think about how my life is playing out.

 I mentioned to Evan how I think about girls way too often. It's not that I want to just think about them all the time, it just happens. And I worry way too often about them as well. I can't help it! I think this is just what happens at this age. I wish I didn't worry about girls so much to be honest. I probably think about them 60% of the time, if not more. That is a lot of time. I feel like I could be doing something much more productive with my life than worrying about trying to find a girlfriend and future wife. But no matter what I am doing, the thought always comes back to my mind that I want to find that girl with whom I can have that special bond and relationship that is better than any other relationship. I want to share my life with somebody; stories, adventures, school, work, etc. I want to have that connection with somebody that swallows up the loneliness I feel when I am with somebody else. I guess what I am trying to say is that I feel incomplete. I feel like I cannot fully reach my own potential without that certain someone in my life.

 Now, I am not necessarily talking about marriage right now, not that I am opposed to the idea, in fact I am embracing it. Marriage can happen years down the road. But for me, right now, a simple relationship would suffice. A relationship with somebody that I can call my best friend. That is what I am looking for. And like I said, it's not that I am opposed to marriage, but my feelings on it are that I am ready to get married when the right person comes along. Nothing forced. I wanted to have at least a year of 'Colin Time' after my mission where I could sort through my life, have fun, and get everything in order. I have now been home for eleven months, one shy of that year mark, but I am feeling ready to start moving forward with my life. It has been one very interesting year since returning.

 Here we run into trouble. This is my own view on how I am attracted to somebody. Initially, I am attracted to somebody based on physical attraction - looks. I think they are cute and want to get to know them. That isn't supposed to be shallow, but that is how it works. However, looks can only carry somebody so far before personality makes the bigger impact. If their personality doesn't connect with mine, they fall off the radar, but if they match well, then we continue trying to go forward. However, if I think somebody is cute and want to get to know them, and then they like me back, usually I will stop liking them because it makes no sense why they would like me. I didn't earn their respect, or trust, or whatever you want to call it. I didn't earn it. My problem arises because I like girls who initially don't like me. Why? I am not entirely sure, but I think it has something to do with the fact that I have to win them over, that I have to prove to them that I am worth it. This proves to be quite difficult, but if it works, and they tell me that they like me, I know it is sincere and genuine. When a girl likes me for no specific reason it seems superficial, only skin deep. Major turn off.

 The problem with this strategy, while it does weed out a lot of people, is that I have no real confidence in myself when it comes to dating. I don't see any reason why a girl should like me over another guy. I feel like I always have less to offer than they do. I don't come from wealth or fame, and I have but few talents. I know that girls really like confidence, so I try to bluff it sometimes, although, in the moments when it matters, I seem to fail in my confidence bluffs.

 So, back to where we started: walking with Evan. As I was talking to Evan about all of these things, I realized how easy it was to talk to him about all of these different ideas and realizations that I had had. I wish it was that easy to talk to a girl like that. I wish I could just tell a girl that I liked her and not worry about it. I wish I could tell her how great she is and not fear awkwardness. I wish I could be one hundred percent open. But I am so scared of failure and rejection. I don't want girls to turn me down. I wish that my emotions could be pushed to the side for moments like these, but if they were, I wouldn't be telling anybody anything personal. Risk will always be involved when it comes to dating. I have never been a very good risk taker, but I think it is time I start working on my fear of rejection, and when it happens I have to accept it and move on, but I must understand that rejection is a part of life.

The Backwards Life

I was talking to a good friend the other day on the phone, and just telling him about life and how things are going, when I mentioned to him that my parents moved out into their new house up in Centerville. He then paused and laughed saying "Man, your life is backwards!" It made me laugh and think for a minute that actually yes, my life life is backwards. How many people have their parents move out on them? The thought alone sounds a little humorous. I worry too much about nothing and I care too much about everything. What I worry too much about is girls. I don't even know why. Actually, yes I do. I worry about girls because I want to be in a relationship so bad. However, I worry because I don't want to be in a bad relationship. I only want to be in a good relationship. I am not desperate and will not just get into a relationship with any girl that likes me, because trust me, I don't. But I am looking to find somebody that I really do care about. And I think I have found one. I will keep her name hidden even though whoever reads this knows exactly who I am talking about. Usually when I meet a girl that I think is cute, I start out with a crush on them, and then as I get to know them I become less and less interested in them. This is how it works with 95% of the girls that I meet. However, in this current situation that I am in, it actually started out the opposite. The very first time I met this girl there was no special draw that made me want to get to know her more. But as I kept seeing her, the more and more interested I became in her. Her personality is amazing. She is cute. She is funny (which, most girls I meet aren't). So the real thing that I am trying to say here, is that I hope that things work out here somehow. It would be a bit of a miracle, but I am holding on hope. And actually, it really just hit me today how much I like her. I suddenly realized that I don't care to do anything with other girls anymore. (This is a big step for me). I realized that I would just rather spend time with her than with any other person. I feel good when I am around her. She has a testimony. She is from out of state (I am not sure why I find this attractive, but I am somehow drawn to people not from Utah - and this is before I even know them). I just am ready to be in a relationship. I can settle down a little bit now. But life is good. It is constantly moving. I love it. I love how I feel right now. I am completely smitten, and it feels great. I will post again.

New York

Well, I have a few extra minutes here of downtime, and I forgot to bring a journal on this trip, so I figure why not start write a few thoughts about my trip so far. How would I go about describing my time that I have had here in New York? I would call it cliche. New York is very cliche. From the first moment I arrived up until now, things have been just as you would expect. But with New York, you expect great things, so my trip has been amazing to say the least. It started out at the airport, just getting off the plane and standing in line waiting for a taxi. Of course the line was huge, and by the time I got up to get into a taxi, the first words I hear out of my taxi drivers mouth are "Mother F***er" as he yells at another taxi parked near by. How very cliche. But let me tell you, the whole car ride into the city was amazing. I couldn't believe that I was actually here. I was in New York City. A dream finally coming true! I have come to love the city life, and when it comes to cities, New York is the best. Everything is here from the sites, to history and from restaurants to fashion. Anything you want to find can be found in this great city. I would love to live here some day, not for a permanent residence, but for a few short years. I just got kind of bored of writing this. So I am going to stop here.

I have come to realize that I don't post enough on my blog anymore. In fact, I have almost forgotten about it completely, but I don't keep a journal as I should, so I need to start blogging a bit more, because hey, its something. Life as of late has been good. Much better than it was two months ago. Things just keep getting better and better. I don't really know what else to say. It's not like any big thing is happening, just a change in perspective I guess. It makes a big difference. I went from wanting a girlfriend really bad to being fine not having one and living up a bachelor life while I can.

So, not a whole lot is new, but its all good.

Never Leave Lonely Alone

You know, it hurts my pride to say this and I have been fighting it for a while now, but I have to say it. I am lonely. I am. And its not out of choice. These past four months, since coming home from my mission, have been the loneliest months of my life. I don't even know what to do about it anymore. There used to be a time when I couldn't fall asleep at night because I was so happy. Now I can't fall asleep at night because I am so lonely. I don't have any close friends anymore. Before my mission I had my close group of friends; Lindsay, Olivia, Kendal, Evan, and James. It used to be that I could call them any night and then I would be doing something later with them. But now Lindsay is in a relationship and I rarely see her, Olivia never responds to my calls or texts, Kendal doesn't either, Evan and I have gone our ways, and James is getting ready to get married. Where does this all leave me? It leaves me alone.

I don't even know what to do anymore. I have tried to push the thought away and I try to get myself involved with things and people. But it seems people don't want to involve me or anything. It has been months since I have been invited to do something. So I try to do it all myself. But when I invite people to do things, they always find a way not to do it. And it makes it all the harder to invite anybody to anything knowing that they are going to say "no". I just don't know what to do anymore. I don't know how to make friends. I don't know why I am having so much trouble doing this as I have never had trouble in the past. Its not from lack of effort. I just hate having to put on my fake smile and tell people that "everything is going well" because the truth is, its not. But I know nobody cares to hear it. Life is not good.

Okay, so this blog is written more for my calming than for anything else. But right now, girls are killing me. I lay down in bed and try to go to sleep and suddenly I get the idea that I want to go on a date with a girl. And then I can't sleep. But this isn't just a girl, but I really want to go on a date with Danielle. I don't know what I am going to have to do. Maybe I need to just wait and be patient, but she has not answered my calls the last two nights and it is driving me insane! I lay in bed and I get so frustrated that she isn't asnwering her phone, and I am freaking out because I feel like she has gotten a bad first impression of me, and I need to change that quick. But maybe I am being too forward? I don't know. I just think that she is really pretty and really cool, and I want to get to know her better. Ahh! Why do girls have to be so hard!