I live in a world of broken tomorrows and empty yesterdays. i live in a state where the now is saved for later, where today is put on hold for better weather. why did i place today so high up? i cannot reach it from the ground and the stool cannot be used, for its save for tomorrow. looking back i can only see blanks.

i try to get the plans to flow through but a disturbance causes conflict. cancel. cancel. cancel. why even arrange? point it out a minute late. notice it when all else has ended. was it me? what do i fix? how do i become when i can't improve? lay out the stones one at a time and don't forget to seal them down. go ahead and step away for the moment, and don't forget to return. hopeful wishing clouds my mind. i cannot figure it out, they say tomorrow, but what about today? too busy for now, but always there for tomorrow. when will tomorrow translate into today, when will the dark clear. Tomorrow.

Confused Careers

The first few months of college have been filled with fun and new experiences, but it has been even more filled with questions. Mostly, the question hogging all the space is "What are you majoring in?". Well, I don't know what I want to be yet, so here is my typical conversation:

Them: "What do you want to major in?"
Me: "I don't know yet, I am still undecided"
Them: "Oh yeah, well what are you interested in?"
Me: "I don't know"
Them: "Oh"
Me: "Yep"

I don't know, this blog turns more into a place where I can vent than anything really interesting. But for some reason, I feel like I have to major in pre-med, engineering, biology, chemistry, or physics. I feel pressured into taking up one of those as my major, but as of right now, none of those really sound interesting to me. Plus there is the fact that I am not good at any of those subjects, and I feel like I am going to be a bum my whole life. The way I see it, if I don't choose one of those subjects to study then I will be poor my whole life. I know I have to take care of a family some day, but if I don't go into one of those fields will I be able to provide for a family? Will I have enough money for retirement? What about a little extra money for traveling and other activities I want to do? I don't know, I know I still have a while, but I am scared that I won't find a subject that interests me and pays well. I am scared that I will find a job that I like but it won't be a reasonable option because of pay. Or maybe I will force myself into a job that I don't like but it makes money and so I am stuck in a job I hate for the rest of my career. I just don't even know what I am good at or what my skills are to even narrow down career choices. Ugh...

Autumn Wanderings (Ponderings)

So today, my blog is about the best part of autumn, the 15th of October through the 1st of November. Now, why is that the best part of autumn? Because the temperature is perfect, leaves are still on the trees but are starting to change, life is in full motion with school and social life picking up, Halloween is around the corner,  and of course it is the best time of the year for sports; Football, Soccer, Basketball, and even Baseball are all happening at once. It's a fun time to be a sports fan. Now, one of my favorite activities, walking, will unfortunately have to be put on hold this year due to lack of walking ability. I am devastated by this, really, I am. The day before my leg surgery, I made sure to go on a nice walk through the lower part of the Avenues, strolling along third, second, and first Ave between R and Virginia. That is quite possibly my favorite place in all of Salt Lake. The houses there are beautiful and the memories I have of those areas are all happy ones, making it extra special. I was able to wear a sweater and my new jeans, making the walk all the more enjoyable while listening to some music from my ipod. At least I got one good walk in before the good walking weather goes away, however, there still may be a good walk or two in store for me. 

Normally I hate fall, but for some reason this year I am extra excited about it! Maybe I am just enjoying the beauty of it this year whereas in the past I have only noticed that summer is gone and the world is dying. I also get to enjoy fall foods such as stew :) 

A Summers Understanding

It has been quite the while since I last posted here. But tonight, I started thinking to myself about dating and the types of girls I can see myself in a serious relationship with. I know, I know, I am only 18 at the moment and still have a mission in front of me, so this really shouldn't be a matter of discussion, but I am making it into one. After these first eightteen years of my life, I have never had a girl friend, the only one in my family to not be part of an "item" during their high school and early college years. In fact, I have only ever been on one real date (excludes high school dances). Now, the reason I don't date isn't because I don't have any desire to date, the exact opposite, I want to date probably more than I want to do most everything else in my life! However, I find that the girls that I could ask on dates that I think are cute, are usually girls that I know I will get sick of, thus I don't ask them on a date. I am yet to meet a girl that truly captivates me, a girl that because of her personality I would want to see over and over again. Here comes the sad part, the truth as I currently understand myself. If I ever find a girl that I have pictured in my mind, I will never, ever, date her. Why? Well because I know that deep down inside, the girl that I truly want to date, the girl of my dreams, is far too good for me. I could never get myself to try and catch the girl who I know deserves more than what I have to offer. I know that even if I gave her my all, I would still fall short of what she deserved. I would help her to find the guy that could treat her the way she must be respected. I would be her best friend in order to help her find her way, but I would never be anything more because of the fear I have that I would ruin something special.