I have come to realize that I don't post enough on my blog anymore. In fact, I have almost forgotten about it completely, but I don't keep a journal as I should, so I need to start blogging a bit more, because hey, its something. Life as of late has been good. Much better than it was two months ago. Things just keep getting better and better. I don't really know what else to say. It's not like any big thing is happening, just a change in perspective I guess. It makes a big difference. I went from wanting a girlfriend really bad to being fine not having one and living up a bachelor life while I can.

So, not a whole lot is new, but its all good.

Never Leave Lonely Alone

You know, it hurts my pride to say this and I have been fighting it for a while now, but I have to say it. I am lonely. I am. And its not out of choice. These past four months, since coming home from my mission, have been the loneliest months of my life. I don't even know what to do about it anymore. There used to be a time when I couldn't fall asleep at night because I was so happy. Now I can't fall asleep at night because I am so lonely. I don't have any close friends anymore. Before my mission I had my close group of friends; Lindsay, Olivia, Kendal, Evan, and James. It used to be that I could call them any night and then I would be doing something later with them. But now Lindsay is in a relationship and I rarely see her, Olivia never responds to my calls or texts, Kendal doesn't either, Evan and I have gone our ways, and James is getting ready to get married. Where does this all leave me? It leaves me alone.

I don't even know what to do anymore. I have tried to push the thought away and I try to get myself involved with things and people. But it seems people don't want to involve me or anything. It has been months since I have been invited to do something. So I try to do it all myself. But when I invite people to do things, they always find a way not to do it. And it makes it all the harder to invite anybody to anything knowing that they are going to say "no". I just don't know what to do anymore. I don't know how to make friends. I don't know why I am having so much trouble doing this as I have never had trouble in the past. Its not from lack of effort. I just hate having to put on my fake smile and tell people that "everything is going well" because the truth is, its not. But I know nobody cares to hear it. Life is not good.

Okay, so this blog is written more for my calming than for anything else. But right now, girls are killing me. I lay down in bed and try to go to sleep and suddenly I get the idea that I want to go on a date with a girl. And then I can't sleep. But this isn't just a girl, but I really want to go on a date with Danielle. I don't know what I am going to have to do. Maybe I need to just wait and be patient, but she has not answered my calls the last two nights and it is driving me insane! I lay in bed and I get so frustrated that she isn't asnwering her phone, and I am freaking out because I feel like she has gotten a bad first impression of me, and I need to change that quick. But maybe I am being too forward? I don't know. I just think that she is really pretty and really cool, and I want to get to know her better. Ahh! Why do girls have to be so hard!

Timely Matters

My life has been full of emotions the past few weeks. There have been ups, downs, and everything in between. It starts out with feelings of purpose, or the lack thereof. What have I been doing with my life the past few months? I feel like I am going nowhere. I don't know what I want to major in yet, I am not even currently in school (well, nobody is right now), and I don't know how I am going to figure out life. One step at a time I guess. But I am really searching for what seems to be missing in my life. If I could just decide on what I want to do, then things would be so much easier. I could take all of the classes that I need to take, and just know where I am going to go.

What else? Companionship. I seek it. I search out for it. I enjoy finding new friends and meeting new people. But I don't yet have a best friend. I am looking for a person that I can just connect with, that I can just call to hang out whenever. I have a lot of friends right now that are good, but its not like I can just call them up anytime I want and come over. Or vise versa. I really want a best friends to talk to, to go on adventures with. Yes, I would like a girlfriend, but thats not even my top priority right now.

Girls. They are awesome and sometimes depressing. I love dating and getting to know new girls. I love looking for characteristics that I love. I love making new friends, like I said earlier. I love being able to flirt, and to connect. I don't like knowing that I will never have a chance with some girls. I don't like that no matter what I do, sometimes it doesn't matter. I don't like hanging in limbo.

As for the rest of life? You can only keep pushing forward. You don't know whats going to happen or what the world will throw at you, but no matter what it is, you have to have the perseverance to push through to the end. Do I know what I will do for a career? No. Do I know how I will eventually pay for a wife? No. Do I know what lies await for me in the coming months? I can only speculate. But I do know that things will work out for the best. I know that life will turn out as it is supposed to.

Ukraine

I sometimes get so full of thought and emotions. I think I want something and then my mind changes just as suddenly. But one thing that I have really been feeling the last week or so has been a desire to go back and be in Ukraine. I long for those streets and those buildings. Buildings I never thought I would care to see again, the first time I saw them. But now, thats where my mind is, and I feel, my heart as well. Anytime Ukraine gets mentioned, I can't help but think of what an amazing place it is. I want to walk down Kryeshatic again, or sit in the park in Khmelnitskiy. I want to talk with those people again, and ride on Marshrutkas. I do miss it, and I look forward to the day that I get to go back, but I am happy here. I am loving my life. Its absolutely different from when I left, but its fun as well. I like meeting new people, it is good. I wish I could say it all here on my blog, but there are things that just can't go on here.

From Here To There and Somewhere

Death is a consequence of birth. It's true, you know. We are born in order to die. Nobody thinks that when you are brand new, and I don't think it should be brought up, when life is shining before you. But it is something to keep in mind as you go throughout life. Not in a paranoid kind of way, but in a way that will urge you to think "what am I doing today?" How many days do I have in my life? Nobody here could tell you. We can all make guesses, and I think that most people do, ranging somewhere between 80 and 95. But for some of us, life is much shorter, and when that time comes and its time to look back on our life, what will we say? What will we think? Will we look back and say "I wish I had done this" or "I wish I hadn't have done that". Will we think of all the missed opportunities that crept by us, or that we foolishly threw away for some other seemingly important task? None of us want that. We want our lives to be rich and full of value, meaning, memories, and purpose. We want to be able to reminisce in the nostalgic days of yore. We will want to be sentimental from time to time, and look back with a smile as we view in our minds what we no longer see with our eyes; the past.

And thats just how it goes. An moment comes and then its gone before we really even fully know what happened. Its gone. Was it a good one? Well thats up to you, right now. The past is constantly being made, and once there, it can't really be changed. What happened to you will always be what happened to you. There are no time machines, no regret fixers. Just more time ahead of us to make better of what we did. So how do we fix it, or how do we work it out, so that every past moment is one that can be cherished and treasured? My answer came from President Thomas Monson in a talk he gave in April of 2008. He explains:

Sometimes we let our thoughts of tomorrow take up too much of today. Daydreaming of the past and longing for the future may provide comfort but will not take the place of living in the present. This is the day of our opportunity, and we must grasp it.

Professor Harold Hill, in Meredith Willson’s The Music Man, cautioned, “You pile up enough tomorrows, and you’ll find you’ve collected a lot of empty yesterdays.”

There is no tomorrow to remember if we don’t do something today, and to live most fully today, we must do that which is of greatest importance. Let us not procrastinate those things which matter most.

I remember reading the account of a man who, just after the passing of his wife, opened her dresser drawer and found there an item of clothing she had purchased when they visited the eastern part of the United States nine years earlier. She had not worn it but was saving it for a special occasion. Now, of course, that occasion would never come.

In relating the experience to a friend, the husband of the deceased wife said, “Don’t save something only for a special occasion. Every day in your life is a special occasion.”

That friend later said those words changed her life. They helped her cease putting off the things most important to her. Said she: “Now I spend more time with my family. I use crystal glasses every day. I’ll wear new clothes to go to the supermarket if I feel like it. The words ‘someday’ and ‘one day’ are fading from my vocabulary. Now I take the time to call my relatives and closest friends. I’ve called old friends to make peace over past quarrels. I tell my family members how much I love them. I try not to delay or postpone anything that could bring laughter and joy into our lives. And each morning, I say to myself that this could be a special day. Each day, each hour, each minute is special.” - President Thomas S. Monson

And thats how we do it. We make time for the things that matter most. Sometimes we really just want to take a nap, but are we missing the beauty of the day that is around us? Are we missing time that could be spent with family and loved ones? And so, as we remember that we came here to get back there, let us make the most of our days, that they will be full, but not with regrets.

The Thing's I Love

You know, sometimes it takes a moment of silence to reflect on the ever moving road of life. And it is in these moments, I believe, that character is built and forged, as we search ourselves, our lives, trying to see where we are and if we are heading in the right direction. But it is also these moments when we realize how much we truly have in our lives. Amid the shouting and crashing of life, moments like these can be hard to find, but they are so very worth it when we find them.

One of these moments happened tonight, as I was sitting in my living room, talking to my mom. It has been over two years since I have had a late night talk with my mom. I love them. I love them because I love her. I love that we see eye to eye on life, and that our goals are the same: We both want our family to be together forever. I am so grateful for the gospel in my life which gives us this vision of where we are going and of what we can become. I am grateful that my whole family shares this same knowledge, and that it will lead us to become better people every single day of our lives.

I love my mom. I already said this, but it would be silly to think that I could say this enough. My mother is the sweetest, most loving, tender hearted mother there ever could be. She loves her children and thinks and prays about them daily. She worries and prays more about us than she has ever though about herself. She truly shows what it means to be a mother. Her selfless behavior and capacity to love shine through her and touches all with whom she meets. I am sure my mom cares more about me than I will ever understand. I love that I can see her again and give her big hugs throughout the day. I love her.

I love being able to be with my dad. I know life has been busy for him lately with the recent death of his father and with the returning of his son from a mission. But I love how level headed my dad is. He always knows that in the end, things will work out for the best. I am so grateful for his calm and it matches perfectly with my mom, who worries about us all. I love how much he loves his grandchildren, and how much they love him in return. I know he is excited for more to come, and can't wait until both Rudi and I start having kids. He is the best dad, and the perfect grandpa. No little grandkid will be loved so much, as my dad's grandchildren!

I love spending time with my brother, Rudi. He is my best friend and has done such a good job at helping me to be busy and involved in life, and meeting new people. He has been there to talk with me about my mission, as he is the only other member of my family to have served a full time mission. We can talk, and it is so nice to just talk about our missions, about life, about school, and about why things work out the way that they do. Without Rudi, these past two weeks would have been a much lonelier experience.

I love sitting and talking with Laina and Thane, as I get to meet their family once again. I love seeing Hobbes all grown up and Alice still little and smiley. I love that I can go up in the mornings, or Laina can come down, and we can just talk and I can spend time with her family (mostly running with Hobbes). It makes me so grateful for the plan of salvation, and how families just get bigger and better! I love her family, and I love her, as she tries to help me find a job, and keep me feeling up. Laina has always been there for me when I need it the most. I am grateful that she lives so close.

I love the short time I have had to see Mieken and Mike as well. I haven't had much time to see them yet, with Mieken being pregnant and busy, but I am so grateful for them. I love how happy of a couple they are, and how Mieken does her own thing. Recently at our Opa's funeral, Mieken came dressed in her colorful dress of blue, red, green, and yellow, a dress you wouldn't normally expect to see at a funeral. But Mieken wasn't going to give in to the common tradition of wearing a black dress, but instead her dress is just a manifestation of who Mieken really is, and what she truly adds to the world. This funeral was a celebration of life, not a mourning of death. And that's how Mieken always is, happy, and cheerful - always looking to lift others spirits. She is the bright color that lightens up our family.

I love the gospel. I love listening to the words of the prophets and apostles that are so timely and so wise. Their words truly are the words of the Lord, and they will make us happy. I love that during general conference I could listen to their words and apply them to my life, so as to improve upon myself. I love that their advice is practical, helpful, and leads you to do good to others. I love that it helps you forget about yourself and think more about the needs of others.

I love my life. The experiences for the good and bad shape us and make us who we are. How we choose to react to them builds our character and defines us as the individuals we are. I love all the experiences I have had. I hope to choose to make the most of each of them so that my tomorrow's will continue to be as great, and even greater than my yesterday's.