The Backwards Life

I was talking to a good friend the other day on the phone, and just telling him about life and how things are going, when I mentioned to him that my parents moved out into their new house up in Centerville. He then paused and laughed saying "Man, your life is backwards!" It made me laugh and think for a minute that actually yes, my life life is backwards. How many people have their parents move out on them? The thought alone sounds a little humorous. I worry too much about nothing and I care too much about everything. What I worry too much about is girls. I don't even know why. Actually, yes I do. I worry about girls because I want to be in a relationship so bad. However, I worry because I don't want to be in a bad relationship. I only want to be in a good relationship. I am not desperate and will not just get into a relationship with any girl that likes me, because trust me, I don't. But I am looking to find somebody that I really do care about. And I think I have found one. I will keep her name hidden even though whoever reads this knows exactly who I am talking about. Usually when I meet a girl that I think is cute, I start out with a crush on them, and then as I get to know them I become less and less interested in them. This is how it works with 95% of the girls that I meet. However, in this current situation that I am in, it actually started out the opposite. The very first time I met this girl there was no special draw that made me want to get to know her more. But as I kept seeing her, the more and more interested I became in her. Her personality is amazing. She is cute. She is funny (which, most girls I meet aren't). So the real thing that I am trying to say here, is that I hope that things work out here somehow. It would be a bit of a miracle, but I am holding on hope. And actually, it really just hit me today how much I like her. I suddenly realized that I don't care to do anything with other girls anymore. (This is a big step for me). I realized that I would just rather spend time with her than with any other person. I feel good when I am around her. She has a testimony. She is from out of state (I am not sure why I find this attractive, but I am somehow drawn to people not from Utah - and this is before I even know them). I just am ready to be in a relationship. I can settle down a little bit now. But life is good. It is constantly moving. I love it. I love how I feel right now. I am completely smitten, and it feels great. I will post again.

New York

Well, I have a few extra minutes here of downtime, and I forgot to bring a journal on this trip, so I figure why not start write a few thoughts about my trip so far. How would I go about describing my time that I have had here in New York? I would call it cliche. New York is very cliche. From the first moment I arrived up until now, things have been just as you would expect. But with New York, you expect great things, so my trip has been amazing to say the least. It started out at the airport, just getting off the plane and standing in line waiting for a taxi. Of course the line was huge, and by the time I got up to get into a taxi, the first words I hear out of my taxi drivers mouth are "Mother F***er" as he yells at another taxi parked near by. How very cliche. But let me tell you, the whole car ride into the city was amazing. I couldn't believe that I was actually here. I was in New York City. A dream finally coming true! I have come to love the city life, and when it comes to cities, New York is the best. Everything is here from the sites, to history and from restaurants to fashion. Anything you want to find can be found in this great city. I would love to live here some day, not for a permanent residence, but for a few short years. I just got kind of bored of writing this. So I am going to stop here.

I have come to realize that I don't post enough on my blog anymore. In fact, I have almost forgotten about it completely, but I don't keep a journal as I should, so I need to start blogging a bit more, because hey, its something. Life as of late has been good. Much better than it was two months ago. Things just keep getting better and better. I don't really know what else to say. It's not like any big thing is happening, just a change in perspective I guess. It makes a big difference. I went from wanting a girlfriend really bad to being fine not having one and living up a bachelor life while I can.

So, not a whole lot is new, but its all good.

Never Leave Lonely Alone

You know, it hurts my pride to say this and I have been fighting it for a while now, but I have to say it. I am lonely. I am. And its not out of choice. These past four months, since coming home from my mission, have been the loneliest months of my life. I don't even know what to do about it anymore. There used to be a time when I couldn't fall asleep at night because I was so happy. Now I can't fall asleep at night because I am so lonely. I don't have any close friends anymore. Before my mission I had my close group of friends; Lindsay, Olivia, Kendal, Evan, and James. It used to be that I could call them any night and then I would be doing something later with them. But now Lindsay is in a relationship and I rarely see her, Olivia never responds to my calls or texts, Kendal doesn't either, Evan and I have gone our ways, and James is getting ready to get married. Where does this all leave me? It leaves me alone.

I don't even know what to do anymore. I have tried to push the thought away and I try to get myself involved with things and people. But it seems people don't want to involve me or anything. It has been months since I have been invited to do something. So I try to do it all myself. But when I invite people to do things, they always find a way not to do it. And it makes it all the harder to invite anybody to anything knowing that they are going to say "no". I just don't know what to do anymore. I don't know how to make friends. I don't know why I am having so much trouble doing this as I have never had trouble in the past. Its not from lack of effort. I just hate having to put on my fake smile and tell people that "everything is going well" because the truth is, its not. But I know nobody cares to hear it. Life is not good.

Okay, so this blog is written more for my calming than for anything else. But right now, girls are killing me. I lay down in bed and try to go to sleep and suddenly I get the idea that I want to go on a date with a girl. And then I can't sleep. But this isn't just a girl, but I really want to go on a date with Danielle. I don't know what I am going to have to do. Maybe I need to just wait and be patient, but she has not answered my calls the last two nights and it is driving me insane! I lay in bed and I get so frustrated that she isn't asnwering her phone, and I am freaking out because I feel like she has gotten a bad first impression of me, and I need to change that quick. But maybe I am being too forward? I don't know. I just think that she is really pretty and really cool, and I want to get to know her better. Ahh! Why do girls have to be so hard!

Timely Matters

My life has been full of emotions the past few weeks. There have been ups, downs, and everything in between. It starts out with feelings of purpose, or the lack thereof. What have I been doing with my life the past few months? I feel like I am going nowhere. I don't know what I want to major in yet, I am not even currently in school (well, nobody is right now), and I don't know how I am going to figure out life. One step at a time I guess. But I am really searching for what seems to be missing in my life. If I could just decide on what I want to do, then things would be so much easier. I could take all of the classes that I need to take, and just know where I am going to go.

What else? Companionship. I seek it. I search out for it. I enjoy finding new friends and meeting new people. But I don't yet have a best friend. I am looking for a person that I can just connect with, that I can just call to hang out whenever. I have a lot of friends right now that are good, but its not like I can just call them up anytime I want and come over. Or vise versa. I really want a best friends to talk to, to go on adventures with. Yes, I would like a girlfriend, but thats not even my top priority right now.

Girls. They are awesome and sometimes depressing. I love dating and getting to know new girls. I love looking for characteristics that I love. I love making new friends, like I said earlier. I love being able to flirt, and to connect. I don't like knowing that I will never have a chance with some girls. I don't like that no matter what I do, sometimes it doesn't matter. I don't like hanging in limbo.

As for the rest of life? You can only keep pushing forward. You don't know whats going to happen or what the world will throw at you, but no matter what it is, you have to have the perseverance to push through to the end. Do I know what I will do for a career? No. Do I know how I will eventually pay for a wife? No. Do I know what lies await for me in the coming months? I can only speculate. But I do know that things will work out for the best. I know that life will turn out as it is supposed to.

Ukraine

I sometimes get so full of thought and emotions. I think I want something and then my mind changes just as suddenly. But one thing that I have really been feeling the last week or so has been a desire to go back and be in Ukraine. I long for those streets and those buildings. Buildings I never thought I would care to see again, the first time I saw them. But now, thats where my mind is, and I feel, my heart as well. Anytime Ukraine gets mentioned, I can't help but think of what an amazing place it is. I want to walk down Kryeshatic again, or sit in the park in Khmelnitskiy. I want to talk with those people again, and ride on Marshrutkas. I do miss it, and I look forward to the day that I get to go back, but I am happy here. I am loving my life. Its absolutely different from when I left, but its fun as well. I like meeting new people, it is good. I wish I could say it all here on my blog, but there are things that just can't go on here.