Ressurected Nightmare

Again, my hopes today were shattered. After an optomistic trip to the doctors, I left disheartened. I was told by my doctors assistant, and later retold by my doctor that I will never get to play basketball again. Not only that, but tennis, football, soccer, volleyball, ultimate frisbee, or in other words, any sport that requires running, jumping, and/or twisting. I can never even go running again. He told me this news for the first time on the first of December, but I still held hope that my circumstances would change, that I would somehow heal better than expected. And this time around, I felt as though he was more strict as to what I can and cannot do. Before he mentioned how I could play basketball once or twice a month at most, but this time he stated that I should in reality never play basketball again. Why? Because in the long run, if I use up my knee now, I may not have one for when I am older. The problem in my leg could get worse. This was honestly one of my worst fears. I remember talking with a friend one time, I believe it was Evan, and I mentioned to him how my greatest fear was being paralyzed, especially from the waste neck down. However, any form of paralysis would cause me pain and the more I think about it, the more I realize that in a way, I am paralyzed. I am paralyzed because I am struck by fear that if I don't do as the doctor prescribes, I may have a long and painful future. Sure, if I really wanted to I could go and play basketball, I could go play tennis, but at what price? Am I willing to sacrifice health for a few hours of fun? And on the other hand, what is the purpose of life if I can't have fun? Why should I have to say no to good clean fun, and say yes to dull activites? The doctor recommeneded that I ride a bike, go swimming, go hiking, walk, play golf. However, after having done all of these activities, none of them have the same power to release energy that basketball or tennis has. My parents say how grateful they are that I can still ride a bike because they know that I like riding bikes, but they overestimate how much I like riding. It is fun now and again, but I only like to do it as an added exercise. Biking is a nice complimentary activity, but as a main one it falls short. It is like peas and carrots for dinner. Yes they are delicious and go well with a good steak, but take away the steak and what is left on the plate of any substance? Where is my steak? Other than biking, walking is the only other activity he said that I could do that I truly love. I guess the problem with biking and swimming and all of that is that at the end there is no real goal. I could bike ten miles or one mile and I would feel the same afterwords. All I did was go a distance. Where is my competition? What is there to spark my competitiveness? With basketball there is the point system. If you score more than the opposing team or player, you win. With biking you ride, and thats all. I just feel like I have lost all of my outlets. I wish I could see this as an opportunity to grow and to learn to love my new life, but as of right now I feel like I have just lost myself. I don't even really know who I am because I associated myself with being active. I was an active kid, now I am a kid who sits around all day not knowing what to do with all of his spare time. I am lost.

About once a week somebody will ask me when I will be healthy enough to play basketball again, and up until now, I have said that in a few months I will be playing again. However, when they ask now, I have to get the courage to tell them that I cannot play, not today, not tomorrow, not ever.